No matter how many nieces and nephews you have or how many babies you’ve met, there’s nothing quite like watching your own baby do things for the first time. Our daughter isn’t crawling yet but she has started rolling over. Also among her firsts, she’s smiling, giggling, recognizing mommy and daddy as well as babbling and drooling like crazy. She likes to grab anything within reach; hands, feet, her teething rosary, a crinkly baby book, and stuff it into her mouth. At this point it’s nearly impossible to distinguish intelligible words from her but on one occasion she very intentionally looked up at my husband and uttered two syllables that had us both giddy with excitement. “Dadaaah.”
Next time I turn around she’ll be on the move, exploring our home on all fours. Just the other day I was finally able to set her down for a solo nap for two full hours. This is all part of normal, healthy development which all children go through and yet I can’t help marveling at each and every tiny first as its own miracle.
As I’ve mentioned on this blog, I recently made the leap from a full time metallurgical engineer to a stay at home mom. This was a decision which I arrived at after nearly a year of contemplation and discernment, and I haven’t regretted it for a second. However, it was not a transition without sacrifice.
During my five years working as a quality engineer in the steel industry I tasted total independence for the first, and likely last, time in my life. For a while, it was everything I imagined it could be. It was a productive, engaging and uncomplicated way of living. I spent my days working in an interesting field and filled my evenings and weekends with opportunities to hone my social skills or take up new hobbies. I became what many people consider an interesting person. There was a wow factor to this young, personable female engineer. People were so impressed to learn of my chosen career path and I admit that I enjoyed their praise. My life was a whirlwind of activity and possibilities. I was completely free to do what I wanted when I wanted.
However, the shine of total independence began to tarnish after about six months. Truly not needing anything from anyone becomes a very lonely existence rather quickly. Although I filled my time outside of work by making new friends, I never grew exceptionally close with any of them and I started to miss the relationships which are born from necessity, the familial bonds with people in my life who should always be needed in some capacity.
I think that independence is something everyone should experience at some point and I feel immensely blessed to have had a sample of it myself. I am also thrilled that it’s over. Now, I get to lean on my husband while I pour my time and energy into the raising of our baby girl. I get the bliss of fully dedicating myself to motherhood while trusting and knowing that my husband will handle everything else. Motherhood is an occupation with little wow factor and no paycheck but there’s no other job I’d rather do.
We’ve all seen those families run by the smallest of the children, kids who haven’t yet heard the word no a sufficient number of times and who maintain a tyrannical rule of chaos over their frazzled parents. It’s tempting to shake our heads and the words spoiled rotten come to mind. However, rarely do we hear tales of it going the other way.
God in infinite kindness blessed us with a tremendously good and happy baby. Over the last few months she has certainly spoiled mommy and daddy rotten. We have been lulled into a simple routine of long walks and easy bedtimes so that even the slightest resistance seems nightmarish in comparison. The hubby and I have grown so accustomed to having a happy baby that it’s shamefully easy to snap into panic and stress at the first sign of displeasure from her. In the thick of a drawn out, traumatic bedtime, how easy it is to forget the far more frequent moments of pure sunshine when she smiles or giggles or simply dozes peacefully in our arms. Thank you God for this wondrous, sweet little girl!
Over the last year my husband and I have taken on the responsibility of our parish marriage prep program and have thus gotten into the habit of discussing some of the less glamorous aspects of sacramental true love. One of these which I think many couples tend to shy away from is the subject of money. As Catholics we understand that money does not buy happiness or salvation but personal finances are a topic that should be broached before going to the altar to say I do. Surprising your brand new spouse with your crushing student debt or an uncontrolled spending habit will not endear you to them. Total honesty is a virtue which ought to be embraced by both parties from the start of your courtship. My husband and I even went so far as to show each other our bank accounts a few months into our relationship. I had just bought a house, greatly depleting my savings. This wasn’t news I wanted to spring on him later.
However, in addition to full honesty with your future spouse, I believe in many cases, a much more tangible level of sharing ought to be considered. Although I can name happily married couples in my life for whom separate bank accounts are appropriate, I don’t believe that these are the norm or should be. Unfortunately, many modern couples choose this approach. Separate finances in a marriage should be avoided for the same reason that the Church condemns contraceptives. You are telling your spouse that “you can have all of me… almost.” It’s a ‘mine’ rather than an ‘ours’ mentality which is all too prevalent in society. It maintains an avenue for dispute and impermanence in the marriage which is outright uncatholic. In a truly sacramental marriage there should be no thought for a contingency plan if the relationship goes south. Giving yourselves a financial out “just in case” comes with the built in temptation to take it. Though the romance may remain fresh and strong for years after the wedding there will undoubtedly come a time when your marriage will be tested. It’s on those days when you need to be 100% committed to your spouse. Leaving should never be an option.
Shared finances also come with the bonus of bringing you closer in your marriage. All major purchases and investments become joint decisions which require you to reach terms that are acceptable to both parties. This attitude of compromise will ripple into all other aspects of your marriage if practiced enough, thus strengthening the trust between you and your spouse. When everything goes into the same pot there’s no need to debate who makes more money and who should pay the bills. There’s no attitude of competition regarding who can bring home the most bacon. You’re in it together. Any income becomes ‘our’ income and any expense is shouldered by ‘us.’ In a world of fleeting success and fleeting romance it may seem daunting to join your finances to someone else, right down to your very last penny. However, if you are truly, sacramentally married to the person, there are few reasons not to. There is no limit to the trust between a man and woman united in holy matrimony.
This is not a parenting blog but in light of recent events I’m struggling to think of anything else. Of the many lessons I’ve learned over the last weeks as a first time parent chief among them is how to operate one handed. To many this may seem like a tremendous handicap, always having one hand occupied with the rocking and soothing of a delightful though frequently fussy newborn. However, I see it as a superpower.
It’s true that many things have temporarily gone by the wayside; things like cooking, cleaning and even blogging on the regular. My new superpower has granted me a hyper focus on my current number one job, caring for my baby. All else is a trivial second. Thankfully this single mindedness is made possible by a rockstar husband who has made it his mission to take care of everything else. All the while I have the supreme joy of staring into my daughter’s sweet little face at all hours of the day, no matter what that face is doing. Even when she cries I can’t help being overwhelmed with love for this little girl every time I look at her. I’ve also discovered just how much one can accomplish with one hand. Full disclosure, it’s not much but a little task here and there like emptying the dishwasher or flipping the laundry feels like a huge win. At the very least, it’s one less thing on the hubby’s docket.
I’m praying for the day when our daughter is big enough for her baby carrier, thus restoring mommy to two handed status. For now though, I’m savoring the blessings of only having one.
I was once asked in a discussion about marriage how I knew my husband was the one. By modern standards our courtship was the brief, whirlwind kind. After knowing me for only four months he asked my parents for their blessing to marry me. It took another two months for the ring to come in and he got down on one knee as soon as it did. Our official engagement lasted a short six months and we were wed almost exactly one year to the day that we met in person for the first time. To rational people, this timeline might seem crazy or, at the very least, a bit rushed. How can you possibly know after four months that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? However, I can truly say that it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve written on this subject before in Dating to Courtship: Romance with Intention but I think the secret to our seemingly fairytale romance is that we never actually dated. From day one, we were vetting each other for marriage. The goal of our relationship was never simply to have fun though that was a huge bonus to our courtship. Pleasure and happiness were never the main objectives for either of us. Since that very first date to Pentecost mass it was obvious that this man wanted my soul to go to heaven and would actively work toward that end. There hasn’t been a second since that day that I doubted this key fact.
After this realization, “boyfriend” always felt much too inadequate a title. I never grew accustomed to it because, in truth, he could only really be described as a besotted suitor. It was a relief to graduate to the term “fiance.” On our third date we were discussing our marriage goals and not long after that I casually mentioned the story of my brother-in-law asking for my parents’ blessing to marry my sister. Call me old fashioned but it’s a tradition I value and the hubby took the hint at the time. The second time he ever met my parents he bravely initiated the “I’d love to marry your daughter” chat. They’d had a little heads up from me that this might be coming and were only too happy to grant their blessing. The hubby surprised me with ring shopping not long after.
Over the course of our three years together (two as man and wife) he’s never ceased to woo and spoil me and he’s never tired of what I know he considers his sacred duty to see my soul enter the kingdom of heaven. Each and every step of our journey together has been guided by that holy purpose. It was a very simple roadmap to follow and we both were totally dedicated to it. That’s not to say that we’ve been perfect people throughout the entirety of our relationship. Feelings and passions ran extremely high during our courtship, engagement and even still today in our marriage but we helped each other in those moments. We were and are helplessly, head over heels, weak at the knees, madly in love with each other but we checked each other when needed, taking great care never to get too carried away during those early months.
This was a kind of devotion I didn’t know existed before I met him. After encountering it, I knew that no one else would ever do. I could have spent the rest of my life searching for another man who would love me that much, right down to my very soul. Thus, I didn’t just want to marry this man. I had to or else resign myself to the reality that no one else would ever care for me so well. I still wonder sometimes how I could possibly deserve him but perhaps that’s the point. God didn’t send me this wonderful man because I deserve him. Perhaps He did it because I’ll spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to be a worthy partner. A life spent following and serving a godly man in the holy sacrament of matrimony is itself a godly life.
They say you should stay busy in your third trimester of pregnancy. Make plans, go out, take walks, tackle some gentle home improvement projects, anything to distract you from glancing at the calendar every five minutes in anticipation of your imminent labor and the birth of your baby. While this is all perfectly sound advice which I’ve worked to take to heart I can also attest to the fact that none of it actually works. Certainly a little continued hustle and bustle is the perfect way to keep you energized and your spirits up as you approach childbirth. However, if you’re anything like me, nothing on the planet will possibly be able to distract you from the tiny life beginning in your womb.
Due to a blessedly uncomplicated pregnancy and an engineering job I’ve maintained a full time, in person work schedule with occasional days worked from home to accommodate prenatal appointments. I’ve also continued to run a couple of church ministries at our local parish for the duration of this pregnancy. Our schedule has been every bit as crammed with activity as we could manage. At no point have I considered myself sufficiently distracted from daydreams of maternity leave when I will simply be home with our brand new baby girl.
I’ve been blessed with a happy, healthy and generally easy pregnancy but no amount of activity can take my mind off of everything that comes next. I’m overflowing with excitement for all the joys and woes that parenthood brings. I’ve even been known to partake in the occasional spontaneous happy dance while at work alone in my office with the door closed. Thankfully I believe these have largely gone unnoticed by my coworkers. There simply is no preoccupying the mommy brain during the third trimester.
During a fun bridal shower game a couple of years ago our friends and family were asked to write down some of their tips and tricks for a long and happy marriage. We enjoyed reading these and have taken the advice to heart. Here are some time tested methods for maintaining love, compassion and romance from the experts in my life.
Always stay best friends.
Take time for date night (at least monthly). No matter how busy life gets with work, kids, etc. always make time for the two of you.
Never go to sleep angry. Hugs and kisses and prayers at bedtime only.
Watch your wedding video often (or peruse the wedding photo album).
Hold hands when you walk.
Laugh together every day.
Sometimes there isn’t enough time for both of you in one day. Listen and support each other even if it means putting your own worries on hold.
Always go on adventures.
Always remember why you fell in love and always make positive comments to each other.
Happy spouse, happy house.
“It takes three to get married.” – Bishop Fulton Sheen. With God at the center and a little help from the Blessed Mother, you will be great.
Pray together and stay together.
Always be kind to each other.
Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Never assume anything. The one time you do will be the last.
Be best friends with Mary and St. Joseph.
Talk with each other. Tell one another you love each other.
I’ve mentioned this before but I believe that kindness to a spouse often goes undervalued in society today. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how well you might feel you know the person. Maintaining good manners and compassion for the people closest to you is a necessary endeavor in any relationship, especially between man and wife. Over the course of our two short years of marriage my husband and I have both made adjustments to how we communicate and are constantly working to maintain civil and compassionate communication with each other, even in those rare instances when we disagree.
However, even in our worst moments, I still am overwhelmed by this amazing gift of marriage that God has blessed me with. Not only am I married to a good man. I am sacramentally bonded to one I am deeply and totally in love with. In addition to trusting my husband completely, I also still regularly find myself a little weak at the knees when he walks in the door from work. My life has become infinitely better since he came into it.
In my opinion, one of the most common relationship mistakes being made today is the assumption that love, romance and marriage are an equal give and take. How neat and tidy and fair it is to assume that for every effort you make in your marriage there will be a perfectly equal reciprocation. Although I’m still quite new to married life, going on two years as man and wife, that simply hasn’t been my experience.
My husband and I are different people with varying schedules, moods and needs. Nevertheless, we don’t waste our days keeping score of who’s turn it is to be good to the other. If we did I would certainly come up short far more often. I’m so blessed to have married an incredibly kind, capable and self-sacrificing man who is constantly looking for ways to make my life more pleasant. Everything from planning a date night to replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom is fair game in his eyes. After a series of romantic disappointments and a couple of years living entirely on my own I was more than a little unaccustomed to these habits and have spent the first years of our marriage trying my best to imitate the wonderful man I married. I strive to never miss an opportunity to say “thank you” even when he does something as mundane as wash the dishes. Amid a far more taxing work schedule than mine, he’s still on the lookout for ways to be helpful when he comes home.
It’s so easy to get stuck in the pointless game of who’s got it worse when interacting with a spouse. The reality is that both parties should seek to give 110% always, even when that doesn’t amount to all that much. No matter what sort of day we’ve had, kindness toward a spouse is never a mistake. There may come days, months or even years when it feels like we’re pouring more of ourselves out than we get in return but that’s life. That’s marriage. Of course there will be battles and hard times for you and your spouse. You will both fall short time and again as we all do but no matter what happens, that person will be with you through it all.
Marriage is not about winning and losing. It’s not about repaying favors and debts. Marriage was designed by God as the most perfect and intimate connection between a man and a woman. We can simply look at our unique and complementary biology to prove this fact. We were literally made for each other and, as God intended it, marriage is about getting your spouse into heaven.
In a friendly conversation recently while discussing plans for family visits and other logistics surrounding the birth of our baby girl I mentioned that I’d have to chat about some of these thoughts with my husband. I was a bit taken aback by the response which came in the form of an emphatic “Why?!” In fairness to the other person, the conversation included the birth itself which certainly is and ought to be chiefly in accordance with the wishes of the mother. The act of birthing a child is a physically and spiritually all consuming effort which, in many ways, affords women a singular glimpse into the sacrificial love of Christ on the cross. When it comes to birth, the woman should have the final say.
Nevertheless, I still came away from the conversation feeling a bit indignant on behalf of the wonderful man I married. The shock and my perceived audacity to consult my husband and bring him into this decision making process took me by surprise. Even among devoutly Catholic circles there is still so much resistance to the submission of wives to their husbands. The fact is that most of my decisions are jointly made with the man I married, even down to our weekly dinner menu. I would not have subjected myself to lifelong holy matrimony to a man I did not respect or whose opinion I did not value.
When we talk about the birth of our baby I maintain ultimate veto power and he’s more than happy to defer to me on the subject but I still care what he thinks. He is the person who will be there with me, holding my hand through it all. I am so blessed to have found a man who will not be content to sit in the waiting room, but one who will clear his schedule to be present for every moment of our daughter’s life, even those painful and messy first ones. Of course I want to know his thoughts.
I firmly believe that childbirth is the ultimate feminine super power but even the holy family was not made up of mother and son alone. Just as Joseph was lovingly present for Mary at the nativity of Christ, so will my husband be for the birth of our little girl. I think it’s a terrible disservice we do to men to write them out of the birthing process altogether. It’s true that in some ways they can only be spectators, observing the spiritual bond between mother and child as their wives give themselves over entirely, mind, body and soul, to the good of the child. This is a time of utter vulnerability for mother and baby and I thank God that I will not be facing it alone.
I believe that a loving, present, supportive husband is critical to the process of carrying and birthing a child and well beyond that. This is also the process in which husbands become fathers. Though not quite so physically demanding as the job of the mother at this juncture, it is no less necessary. He is the rock which she will lean on throughout the process and the protector to which she will entrust their child. Nothing gives me greater confidence as I approach childbirth as my total trust in the man I married. No matter what happens he will be there, ready to defend my and our baby’s interests if necessary and prepared to do whatever is needed to assist the process.
Blessed in the Midwest 