Catholic Marriage

Marriage Etiquette: You’re on the Same Team

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It’s so easy to slip into bad habits around those who know us best. Often, I catch myself falling into this trap with my husband or when my sister or parents come into town for a longer visit. We know these people will never leave us and there’s some relief in that, being able to release everything that was kept bottled up for the rest of the world with the understanding that we will still be loved by our favorite people. 

While I agree that it’s necessary to be our most honest and genuine selves among those we love, I don’t believe that includes succumbing to our worst impulses. These people are with us for life. They are the ones who raised us, grew up with us, promised to cherish and protect us and walk with us for the rest of our days. They have and will see us at our worst. However, I don’t see any reason to increase the frequency of these occurrences simply in order to vent my own frustrations. 

When we completely let loose we forget to watch what we say. We can fall to nagging our spouses, nitpicking a job well done instead of simply saying thank you. We can be led to bickering in which there’s always a winner and a loser. In the end, do you really want to be married to a loser? Is there any true victory in knowing that you have defeated your spouse, the one person on earth you have been sacramentally called to love and respect all the days of your life? What good is it to have won a petty argument when you’re both on the same team? 

Obviously you’re different people and disagreements will inevitably arise by virtue of there being two brains in the relationship. In these disputes I believe we are called as Catholic married couples to conduct ourselves as civilly and compassionately as possible. As previously stated, this is easier said than done but it is a necessary and worthy endeavor. Too often in society today I think that marriage is treated like a free pass for bad behavior with our spouses and then everyone wonders why divorce rates are so high. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a mean, manipulative, judgemental person who’s always looking to pick a fight?

The reality is that being kind to your spouse actually makes them a better husband or wife. Good manners should never go by the wayside regardless of who you’re talking to. Never underestimate the healing power of a simple “please” or “thank you.” Instead of grilling your husband for all the gory details of his incredibly long and tiresome day at work as soon as he walks in the door, snuggling up with him on the sofa for a few brief moments of comfortable silence can go a long way. Likewise, doing the dishes or replacing a burnt out light bulb before your wife has time to ask is sure to make her feel loved. Lasting love and affection is often not in grand gestures though they certainly have their place. It can also be found in small, everyday kindnesses toward our spouse. 

Chastity or Abstinence?

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This is surely a simple question for most Catholics in the world. When fully engrossed in the faith, the contrast between chastity and abstinence is obvious and in light of that knowledge there is but one correct choice whether someone be called to marriage or religious life. However, before coming to the Church I saw little difference and even thought the two to be synonymous. In all honesty, chastity wasn’t a term in my vocabulary. I’d certainly heard the word, mostly in reference to the cumbersome accessory maid Marian wore in the comedy, Robinhood: Men in Tights, and I had a general, albeit incomplete, understanding of what it meant. 

Far more often in real life applications I had heard reference to abstinence. This was the term used in school health class and by medical professionals, always championed as the single totally foolproof method for avoiding a surprise, unwanted pregnancy. There lies the difference. Abstinence is birth control. Engaging in this practice is to abstain from sexual activity, not for any moral or spiritual reason, but rather for the sole purpose of avoiding the conception of new life which might result from that activity. Though they are often lumped together, this is actually in total opposition to the virtue of chastity. 

It wasn’t until a Catholic friend once politely corrected my terminology on the subject that I considered the possibility that there was any meaningful difference. All Catholics, regardless of their vocation, are called to remain chaste. We reserve the sexual embrace only for sacramental, holy marriage for the purposes of renewing marriage vows and conceiving children. Of course, this means that those in religious life are indeed called to abstain from sexual activity  as they serve God directly through work in the Church rather than through service to a spouse. This is also where natural family planning (NFP) comes into play for married couples in order to make informed decisions about starting families. 

However, at the core of this Catholic teaching, we are always open to the possibility of life, no matter what kind of service God has called us to. We do not put barriers between ourselves and God’s will whether that be through hormonal birth control or total abstinence for the sake of avoiding pregnancy. We must always be open and willing to receive God’s gifts and blessings. 

Marriage Etiquette: Flirt Like it’s 1867

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I recently came across an article outlining Victorian Era dating tips and couldn’t help but laugh because I found myself agreeing with most of them. Here is my reasoning for why these courtship rules from the 1800s are still relevant and necessary in the 21st century. 

  1. A gentleman should protect a woman in case of danger. – Yes! Men should be men. Men are generally larger, stronger, less emotional and better equipped to repel and attack. I am by no means saying that women should simply accept the role of helpless damsel in distress. I believe everyone, be it man or woman, should be fully capable of defending themselves. It’s why I enthusiastically embrace our U.S. Constitution’s Second Amendment. However, as the protector of the family, it is the husband’s (man’s) responsibility to act as the first line of defense, whether that be under physical or verbal assault. 
  2. A lady should not accept gifts from gentlemen. – This one is fairly straightforward. Don’t lead on people you’re not interested in. In today’s world the threshold for when it’s appropriate to start showering each other with gifts seems to vary from person to person. However, it’s my feeling that you shouldn’t be giving or receiving romantic gifts from or dating anyone you don’t genuinely intend to marry. It just muddies the waters and wastes everyone’s time. 
  3. A gentleman should give all his attention to his woman in public. – I believe this is the theory of duh. It’s applicable to men and women in my opinion. If you’re in a relationship don’t be making eyes at other people. Period. Obviously you shouldn’t flirt with anyone but the person you are currently committed to.
  4. A woman was prohibited from calling on a man. – While I don’t think strict adherence to this rule is currently necessary, there are some underlying ideas which I think should still be practiced today. People should not carelessly flirt with friends or strangers or do anything that might lead to scandal for themselves or others. If you really do have feelings for a potential love interest you should respect them enough to maintain a proper courtship which doesn’t leave your neighbors guessing what might be happening in private, behind closed doors. 
  5. A gentleman had to control his sexual appetite. – Guys, it turns out it’s still bad form to flirt with anything that moves. One of the hallmarks of adulthood which is sadly lacking in our society today is mastery over all of your urges and impulses rather than being mastered by them. It’s a lesson that both men and women should take to heart. Contrary to popular current belief, you do not have to bow to each and every physical and emotional desire and nor should you. 
  6. Strangers who found themselves dancing together were not allowed to converse. – I don’t totally agree with this particular rule but, as with #4, there are some underlying core values which I do believe still have a place in our modern world. Too often we underestimate the power of a proper introduction, particularly in current culture where simply approaching a woman and striking up a conversation is becoming increasingly complicated and risky. Whether it be by an acquaintance at church or a mutual work friend or anyone else, being introduced is a perfect way to ease tension and awkwardness during that first meeting. 
  7. A gentleman was obliged to carry a lady’s bag. – Much like #1, this is a PSA to all the young men in the world today. Don’t let chivalry be dead. Do the gentlemanly thing and take care of the heavy lifting. If done genuinely, it is a kind and reverent action a man can do for his lady. Inversely, all the empowered lady bosses should learn to take a step back and simply say thank you when a gentleman steps up to do a good deed for them. Men and women are different and we absolutely should embrace our uniquely masculine and feminine traits in order fulfill God’s will for our lives and become good partners for each other. 
  8. A gentleman should leave the inner side of the pavement for his lady. – This is another chivalrous and protective gesture which I think needs to be reinstated in society. In this particular instance, the man places himself in between his lady and any potential danger that might come from the street, whether that be puddle splashback or a runaway carriage. Whatever the peril, walking on the streetside demonstrates his feelings for his woman by quietly but willingly putting himself in a position to take the brunt of it.  
  9. Neither party should make the other jealous. – No good can come from toying with the mind and emotions of another human being. This manipulative act can often lead to fighting, scandal and horribly misguided judgements in a relationship. If you truly want to beat the dating game you must first embrace total honesty with your partner. You might entice dishonest people by being honest but you will never entice an honest person by being dishonest. 

What do you think? Should we revive 1800s courtship rules?

Finding Your Forever Person

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Once while chatting with my mom over the phone she mentioned the struggle of some young Catholics at her parish who were venturing into the realm of online dating. Some were also making appearances at local cocktail bars and anywhere else one might encounter a potential love interest. After hanging up with my mom, my husband and I racked our brains for places that young single Catholics should go to find their future spouse. This conversation ended with us both chuckling, not because loneliness isn’t one of the most formidable obstacles life could throw at a person but because there are only two tried and true solutions to it.

  1. Go to Church.
  2. Pray about it.

These are hardly the answers that I wanted during my months of singleness. I too spent my days texting strangers from various dating sites with seemingly indistinct matching algorithms and throwing myself into every public and social engagement I could find in the hopes of miraculously bumping into Mr. Right. None of it worked. All the online conversations were perfectly fine and perfectly disappointing. The in person dates that I attended were inorganic at best and epically awkward at worst. In every one of these scenarios I was hit with a strong sense that my date was expecting to be wooed rather than do the wooing which never quite fit with my traditional sensibilities. Suffice to say that I hadn’t come remotely close to finding my husband at this juncture.

This slew of mediocre interactions eventually led me to throw up my hands and delete all of my online accounts. I gave up my search for the perfect spouse. Either God would send him to me in His own time or I would die alone. Ironically, that’s all I needed to do the entire time. I’ve since realized that God has a bit of a sense of humor. A few months later, in one last ditch effort which I fully expected to fail, I met the love of my life. I didn’t catch his eye at the local hipster bar or at some house party at 2am. Our paths crossed for the first time at the Easter Vigil mass where he watched me be received into the Church. God’s timing is perfect and I believe this is exactly as He intended.

I am by no means suggesting that all the single Catholics in the world should simply stay home and wait for the perfect spouse to come knocking on the door. You need to go out into the world and be seen fully participating in your community. However, so often I think we underestimate the blessings which come from participating in our parish community in particular. If you want to find a virtuous spouse you need to go to where the virtuous people are and start acting like one yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll find a good Catholic lady or gentleman while partying with your work buddies at 2am. 

Thus, go to Church. Be as involved in your parish community as you possibly can. Become a visible and active member of your Church. Pray that God sends you your spouse and trust that those prayers will be answered in His timing. 

A Lesson in Humility

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Our first year of marriage has come and gone but we continue to fall in love with each other every day. Despite new challenges like my husband’s shifting work schedule and the discovery of a leaky basement, this year has been full to the brim with blessings, not least of which came with my husband’s move from a tedious sales job to a position in our local law enforcement. His days were spent in physically and mentally rigorous training, his evenings were occupied with study of Indiana state law and his weekends occasionally took him away to southern Indiana for yet more training. 

Amid all this, regular house upkeep generally fell to me and it could not have been better timing. In our first year of life together I had the privilege of a crash course on living for someone else. I was often tasked with cooking dinner, doing the dishes, tidying the house and generally maintaining a warm and inviting place for my husband to come home to every day in addition to my own day job. I discovered that, excluding a few exceptionally frustrating days here and there, I was happy to do it. The work that I did in my off hours away from the mill hardly ever felt like work. 

That’s not to say that I always succeeded in carrying out my wifely home duties to perfection. As stated earlier, this was a crash course in marriage immediately following several years of living by myself for myself and I am still learning how to be a good wife. I still catch myself falling into lazy habits on occasion and craving a little ‘me time’ with a good book. However, as a general rule, it’s so much easier to motivate to put a nice meal on the table and keep the house tidy when there’s someone else around to enjoy it too. Cooking and cleaning for myself before I was married always felt like a chore despite my love of good home cooking. Now it’s something I get to do for us. 

Even on those bad days when I just don’t feel like doing anything, I’ve learned to turn to God for help. “Lord, help me to be a good wife” is my constant prayer. My husband is living proof that God hears and answers all prayers even if not in the way we expect. With His help I can do anything. Perhaps that’s why He packed our first year of marriage with so many minor hurdles (house repair and scheduling difficulties) to overcome together. After years of living and succeeding on our own, we now get to do so as a team. This first year of married life was a beautiful lesson in humility which I am grateful to be constantly relearning. 

The Only One That Matters

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There is a popular belief today that more experience, even failed experience is better. People like to reference Thomas Edison’s discoveries with the lightbulb to prove this point. While taking failure in stride is a necessary practice in any career, I no longer believe the argument holds water when it comes to dating.

Taking a job for the experience will likely land you many more career prospects in the future. Taking a relationship for the experience is a cruel and manipulative exercise in futility which will not ultimately bring you any closer to finding your forever person. The only acceptable reason to enter into a relationship is because you genuinely believe that it may be your last relationship. Any other goal is a death sentence to the romance. You are dooming yourself and your partner to failure before you’ve even begun.

Some like to argue that this kind of casual companionship is acceptable so long as the goal is just to have fun and both parties agree to it. I disagree. Desensitizing yourself to failure in romance will only deaden your ability to recognize success when it does come. A lifetime of settling for mediocre, seasonal flings will never impart the skills necessary for attracting your future spouse. Learning how to manipulate a person’s feelings is in complete opposition to learning how to love them. If you really do want to find your future spouse you should be loving them as if you’ve already met them by maintaining a virtuous, properly ordered lifestyle. That person is out there in the world somewhere right now, making mistakes of their own and in need of your prayers.

Finding the love of your life is far more difficult than the movies make it out to be. It will likely be one of the greatest tests of your patience. You may have to go on a lot of first dates in order to find your one and only but you never will if you settle into a habit of companionship with the wrong people. It doesn’t matter how pleasant or convenient that companionship may be. If you can’t see yourself marrying that person someday you shouldn’t agree to a second date. 

People like to boast about the quality or quantity of the frogs they’ve kissed as if these make them an expert dater but the only love experts I care about aren’t dating anymore. In the end it doesn’t matter how many almosts, puppy loves or catastrophic mistakes you’ve had. The only one that matters is the one that wasn’t a frog at all. When it comes to romance, getting it wrong is easy. Getting it right is something you’ll only ever do once.

I Need My Man

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In a world full of girl bosses intent on shattering that (imagined) glass ceiling the “I don’t need no man” attitude is nearly inescapable. It’s everywhere and often accompanied by some amount of condescending head bobbing and finger snapping. I’ve certainly fallen prey to it in the past. It’s so pervasive in society that it’s even seeped into the hearts of practicing Catholics.

We heard it in our very own Catholic marriage prep while in discussion with current married couples. One woman boasted this logic even as her husband sat beside her. How can you imply that you don’t need a man when the man you vowed to give your life to sits quietly by? What can possibly be his purpose in this arrangement if you’re so perfectly invincible on your own? If this is true, why on earth did you get married in the first place?

Ignoring the implied and overt rudeness which comes with this statement, it’s not a sentiment I share. Of course everyone, regardless of gender, is capable of great worldly success by their own merit. You can do anything you set your mind to if properly driven. As Fr. Mike Schmitz highlighted in his Catechism in a Year series, no human on Earth is half-made. God created us to be complete beings in His image, each a union of the body and soul. But without each other, we are unable to carry out God’s ultimate will for us to “be fruitful and multiply.” Men and women are complements to each other, both equally necessary to share in God’s work of creation.  

Can you honestly say that there is any undertaking in life that would not be improved and made easier by the assistance of a supportive and loving spouse? Are you really so flawlessly competent that you’re better equipped to take on the world on your own than beside a man who has promised to cherish and protect you? We are a society so utterly incapable of admitting our own deficiencies that we would rather spend our lives alone and hurt our loved ones in the process than confess the reality that we might actually need them, that we are in fact better together. 

Yes, I need my man. I’m human, fallen and in need of God’s saving grace. I’m error prone and could have easily been distracted on many occasions from the path to holiness if not for the man walking beside me, and we’ve barely been married a year. I was successful, independent and financially stable before I ever met my husband and my life has become infinitely better since then. It brings me unending relief and joy to follow him as we both journey toward the Kingdom of Heaven.

Why We Chose the Unpopular Wedding Reading

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“Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:2) This is a sentence that no modern, strong independent woman wants to hear. These are also the words most often pulled out of the reading and dissected under a microscope. However, if you examine the reading in its entirety you learn about the husband’s side of the bargain.

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church.” Christ died for the Church. He suffered every kind of human torment; physical torture, humiliation, betrayal and was crucified out of love for the Church. He made the ultimate sacrifice. Obeying the man I love seems like small change in comparison. I trust my husband completely and would gladly follow him anywhere. I am totally confident that he would never do anything to deliberately hurt or humiliate me. 

Marriage doesn’t mean packing up my hopes and dreams. My husband wants those things for me too, just as I want him to find success and fulfillment in his endeavors. It’s why I chose him. I’m his wife, not his slave. I always try to act in his best interest, not because I don’t love myself, but because I love him more. There are three persons in every Catholic marriage; the husband, the wife and Christ. We are called to love God, to love our spouse and to love ourselves in that order. Typical catholic marriage prep includes six to nine months of learning and discussion with each other and a priest in order to discover one another’s needs as well as potential sources of future conflict. We do this to ensure that all three parties are fully aware and confident in the decision to come together in the sacrament of marriage. 

Living in the service of a spouse isn’t an indignity at all. If done correctly, I believe it’s one of the most beautiful and Catholic things we can possibly do. It’s what Christ was sent to do. “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as ransom for many.” (Mathew 20:28) Christ, the bridegroom came to serve His bride, the Church. Honestly, I can’t imagine a better way to spend the rest of my life than following and serving the man I married. 

A reading from the letter of Saint Paul to the Ephesians

Brothers and sisters:
Live in love, as Christ loved us
	and handed himself over for us.

[Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.
For the husband is head of his wife
	just as Christ is head of the Church,
	he himself the savior of the body.
As the Church is subordinate to Christ,
	so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.]

Husbands, love your wives,
	even as Christ loved the Church
	and handed himself over for her to sanctify her,
	cleansing her by the bath of water with the word,
	that he might present to himself the Church in splendor,
	without spot or wrinkle or any such thing,
	that she might be holy and without blemish.
So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one hates his own flesh
	but rather nourishes and cherishes it,
	even as Christ does the Church,
	because we are members of his Body.
	     For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother
	          and be joined to his wife,
	     and the two shall become one flesh.
This is a great mystery,
	but I speak in reference to Christ and the Church.

[In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself,
	and the wife should respect her husband.]

The word of the Lord.

Marriage Etiquette: Don’t Trash Talk Your Spouse

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I don’t believe it’s ever appropriate to bad mouth your spouse whether they’re present or not. I think it’s behavior which reflects more poorly on you than on the husband or wife that you’re complaining about. Why did you subject yourself to lifelong commitment to that person if you find them so tiresome? On your list of priorities, their dignity and well being should certainly come before your own comeuppance for a minor, petty grievance, especially in the case of someone you’ve vowed to love and cherish all the days of your lives.

I’ve heard a number of friends and coworkers verbally degrade their partners on several occasions, all under the guise of good natured ribbing and fun. It’s often even more unsettling to meet the aforementioned partner only to discover that they have nothing but praise for their ill-mannered significant other. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or do. As a couple you should be able to have productive, civil, even compassionate disagreements. I’m not advocating total, stiff formality with your spouse. You need to be able to have fun together and must therefore be equipped with enough humility to laugh at yourselves. That just doesn’t include laughing at each other. 

A Leap of Faith

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“Are you nervous?” That seemed to be the question on many minds as we approached our wedding day. I heard it even as I waited hidden in the church for my walk down the aisle in our wedding mass (we chose not to do a first look and save the big reveal for the ceremony). My answer was always an enthusiastic and resounding “no.” I’ve always believed that I was made to be a wife and mother, even before I was Catholic. How could I be nervous about taking one step closer to the fulfillment of God’s plan for my life especially when His handwriting covered every page of our love story?

I’ve often told my husband that I couldn’t have dreamed him up. I wasn’t creative enough in my most unhindered fantasies to imagine a more perfect match than the one I found in him. I consider our meeting nothing short of a miracle and many of our big moments since then have occurred on days of special liturgical significance. It’s no coincidence that he chose to attend his parents’ church for the very same Easter Vigil mass where I was to be baptized, confirmed and receive first Eucharist. My husband saw me for the first time in the same hour that I became Catholic. 

It took a few weeks for him to hunt me down and, after another few weeks and many phone calls, we met in person for the first time and our first date to Pentecost mass. Almost exactly one liturgical year later we met again at church to exchange vows in a wedding mass which was concelebrated by no less than three priests. There isn’t a shred of doubt in my mind that this is precisely what God intended. There was no reason for me to be nervous. 

Many modern couples would certainly balk at a courtship of only six months followed by an equally short engagement. However, marrying the love of my life is the most spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally sound decision I have ever made. Truth be told, that six month engagement felt considerably longer as we both eagerly anticipated our wedding vows. It was a leap of faith we couldn’t wait to take.