Holy Sacraments

Marriage Advice from Seasoned Veterans

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During a fun bridal shower game a couple of years ago our friends and family were asked to write down some of their tips and tricks for a long and happy marriage. We enjoyed reading these and have taken the advice to heart. Here are some time tested methods for maintaining love, compassion and romance from the experts in my life. 

  • Always stay best friends.
  • Take time for date night (at least monthly). No matter how busy life gets with work, kids, etc. always make time for the two of you. 
  • Never go to sleep angry. Hugs and kisses and prayers at bedtime only. 
  • Watch your wedding video often (or peruse the wedding photo album).
  • Hold hands when you walk.
  • Laugh together every day. 
  • Sometimes there isn’t enough time for both of you in one day. Listen and support each other even if it means putting your own worries on hold. 
  • Always go on adventures.
  • Always remember why you fell in love and always make positive comments to each other.
  • Happy spouse, happy house. 
  • “It takes three to get married.” – Bishop Fulton Sheen. With God at the center and a little help from the Blessed Mother, you will be great.
  • Pray together and stay together.
  • Always be kind to each other. 
  • Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Never assume anything. The one time you do will be the last.
  • Be best friends with Mary and St. Joseph. 
  • Talk with each other. Tell one another you love each other.

I’ve mentioned this before but I believe that kindness to a spouse often goes undervalued in society today. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how well you might feel you know the person. Maintaining good manners and compassion for the people closest to you is a necessary endeavor in any relationship, especially between man and wife. Over the course of our two short years of marriage my husband and I have both made adjustments to how we communicate and are constantly working to maintain civil and compassionate communication with each other, even in those rare instances when we disagree. 

However, even in our worst moments, I still am overwhelmed by this amazing gift of marriage that God has blessed me with. Not only am I married to a good man. I am sacramentally bonded to one I am deeply and totally in love with. In addition to trusting my husband completely, I also still regularly find myself a little weak at the knees when he walks in the door from work. My life has become infinitely better since he came into it. 

Marriage Etiquette: It’s Not 50/50

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Photo by Luisa Fernanda Bayona

In my opinion, one of the most common relationship mistakes being made today is the assumption that love, romance and marriage are an equal give and take. How neat and tidy and fair it is to assume that for every effort you make in your marriage there will be a perfectly equal reciprocation. Although I’m still quite new to married life, going on two years as man and wife, that simply hasn’t been my experience. 

My husband and I are different people with varying schedules, moods and needs. Nevertheless, we don’t waste our days keeping score of who’s turn it is to be good to the other. If we did I would certainly come up short far more often. I’m so blessed to have married an incredibly kind, capable and self-sacrificing man who is constantly looking for ways to make my life more pleasant. Everything from planning a date night to replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom is fair game in his eyes. After a series of romantic disappointments and a couple of years living entirely on my own I was more than a little unaccustomed to these habits and have spent the first years of our marriage trying my best to imitate the wonderful man I married. I strive to never miss an opportunity to say “thank you” even when he does something as mundane as wash the dishes. Amid a far more taxing work schedule than mine, he’s still on the lookout for ways to be helpful when he comes home. 

It’s so easy to get stuck in the pointless game of who’s got it worse when interacting with a spouse. The reality is that both parties should seek to give 110% always, even when that doesn’t amount to all that much. No matter what sort of day we’ve had, kindness toward a spouse is never a mistake. There may come days, months or even years when it feels like we’re pouring more of ourselves out than we get in return but that’s life. That’s marriage. Of course there will be battles and hard times for you and your spouse. You will both fall short time and again as we all do but no matter what happens, that person will be with you through it all.

Marriage is not about winning and losing. It’s not about repaying favors and debts. Marriage was designed by God as the most perfect and intimate connection between a man and a woman. We can simply look at our unique and complementary biology to prove this fact. We were literally made for each other and, as God intended it, marriage is about getting your spouse into heaven.

Husbands to Fathers

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In a friendly conversation recently while discussing plans for family visits and other logistics surrounding the birth of our baby girl I mentioned that I’d have to chat about some of these thoughts with my husband. I was a bit taken aback by the response which came in the form of an emphatic “Why?!” In fairness to the other person, the conversation included the birth itself which certainly is and ought to be chiefly in accordance with the wishes of the mother. The act of birthing a child is a physically and spiritually all consuming effort which, in many ways, affords women a singular glimpse into the sacrificial love of Christ on the cross. When it comes to birth, the woman should have the final say. 

Nevertheless, I still came away from the conversation feeling a bit indignant on behalf of the wonderful man I married. The shock and my perceived audacity to consult my husband and bring him into this decision making process took me by surprise. Even among devoutly Catholic circles there is still so much resistance to the submission of wives to their husbands. The fact is that most of my decisions are jointly made with the man I married, even down to our weekly dinner menu. I would not have subjected myself to lifelong holy matrimony to a man I did not respect or whose opinion I did not value. 

When we talk about the birth of our baby I maintain ultimate veto power and he’s more than happy to defer to me on the subject but I still care what he thinks. He is the person who will be there with me, holding my hand through it all. I am so blessed to have found a man who will not be content to sit in the waiting room, but one who will clear his schedule to be present for every moment of our daughter’s life, even those painful and messy first ones. Of course I want to know his thoughts. 

I firmly believe that childbirth is the ultimate feminine super power but even the holy family was not made up of mother and son alone. Just as Joseph was lovingly present for Mary at the nativity of Christ, so will my husband be for the birth of our little girl. I think it’s a terrible disservice we do to men to write them out of the birthing process altogether. It’s true that in some ways they can only be spectators, observing the spiritual bond between mother and child as their wives give themselves over entirely, mind, body and soul, to the good of the child. This is a time of utter vulnerability for mother and baby and I thank God that I will not be facing it alone. 

I believe that a loving, present, supportive husband is critical to the process of carrying and birthing a child and well beyond that. This is also the process in which husbands become fathers. Though not quite so physically demanding as the job of the mother at this juncture, it is no less necessary. He is the rock which she will lean on throughout the process and the protector to which she will entrust their child. Nothing gives me greater confidence as I approach childbirth as my total trust in the man I married. No matter what happens he will be there, ready to defend my and our baby’s interests if necessary and prepared to do whatever is needed to assist the process.

Marriage Etiquette: You’re on the Same Team

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Photo by Rainstorm Photo

It’s so easy to slip into bad habits around those who know us best. Often, I catch myself falling into this trap with my husband or when my sister or parents come into town for a longer visit. We know these people will never leave us and there’s some relief in that, being able to release everything that was kept bottled up for the rest of the world with the understanding that we will still be loved by our favorite people. 

While I agree that it’s necessary to be our most honest and genuine selves among those we love, I don’t believe that includes succumbing to our worst impulses. These people are with us for life. They are the ones who raised us, grew up with us, promised to cherish and protect us and walk with us for the rest of our days. They have and will see us at our worst. However, I don’t see any reason to increase the frequency of these occurrences simply in order to vent my own frustrations. 

When we completely let loose we forget to watch what we say. We can fall to nagging our spouses, nitpicking a job well done instead of simply saying thank you. We can be led to bickering in which there’s always a winner and a loser. In the end, do you really want to be married to a loser? Is there any true victory in knowing that you have defeated your spouse, the one person on earth you have been sacramentally called to love and respect all the days of your life? What good is it to have won a petty argument when you’re both on the same team? 

Obviously you’re different people and disagreements will inevitably arise by virtue of there being two brains in the relationship. In these disputes I believe we are called as Catholic married couples to conduct ourselves as civilly and compassionately as possible. As previously stated, this is easier said than done but it is a necessary and worthy endeavor. Too often in society today I think that marriage is treated like a free pass for bad behavior with our spouses and then everyone wonders why divorce rates are so high. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a mean, manipulative, judgemental person who’s always looking to pick a fight?

The reality is that being kind to your spouse actually makes them a better husband or wife. Good manners should never go by the wayside regardless of who you’re talking to. Never underestimate the healing power of a simple “please” or “thank you.” Instead of grilling your husband for all the gory details of his incredibly long and tiresome day at work as soon as he walks in the door, snuggling up with him on the sofa for a few brief moments of comfortable silence can go a long way. Likewise, doing the dishes or replacing a burnt out light bulb before your wife has time to ask is sure to make her feel loved. Lasting love and affection is often not in grand gestures though they certainly have their place. It can also be found in small, everyday kindnesses toward our spouse. 

The Gift of a Good Confession

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Photo by Sami Aksu

I’ve never been a natural social butterfly and have put forth a concerted effort to develop and maintain passable people skills over the years. I’ll be the first to say that I’m much better in writing and verbal communication has often been a source of tremendous anxiety in my life. I’m the sort of person who googles neighborhood BBQ etiquette and rehearses grocery store checkout small talk in advance. 

As such, I made a similar habit when I first started attending confession after being received fully into the Catholic Church. In my examination of conscience I would write a short script of talking points to bring up in the confessional and would recite the following prayer. “Lord, help me to give a full and honest confession.” In the confession line I would rehearse my lines until my turn arrived. 

While these were all perfectly valid confessions and none of these practices are technically wrong, I often left the confessional feeling like I had somewhat missed the mark and wishing that I had been more articulate. Recently it occurred to me that perhaps this feeling had very little to do with the precise words I said, or failed to say, but that it was instead faith and trust in God that I was lacking. I was trying so hard to give a “good” confession that I forgot the most important part. I asked God to help me every time without truly leaning into His healing power, trusting that He would give me the words I needed.

I’ve since revised my process for preparing for the sacrament of reconciliation. I still write out an examination of conscience, though it’s now a few brief bulleted reminders rather than a full script. I also recite the same prayer but with this addition. “Lord, send your holy spirit to give me the words I need to lay my sins bare at your feet so that I may properly atone for them.” The first time I said this prayer in the confession line I was blessed with a new sense of calm and I ceased my nervous rehearsing. My mind was totally clear when I entered the confessional. It was one of the most honest confessions I’ve ever given. 

I still catch myself slipping into old habits on occasion and obsessing over how to get the words out right. It’s a work in progress but, as I discovered, atonement for our sins and absolution from them is most complete when we truly, totally and faithfully relinquish our human failings to God. Reconciliation is a sacrament, an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace. Of course, we need to properly prepare ourselves to receive it with a focused and genuine examination of our past wrongs but then we must give ourselves over entirely to Him.

Chastity or Abstinence?

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This is surely a simple question for most Catholics in the world. When fully engrossed in the faith, the contrast between chastity and abstinence is obvious and in light of that knowledge there is but one correct choice whether someone be called to marriage or religious life. However, before coming to the Church I saw little difference and even thought the two to be synonymous. In all honesty, chastity wasn’t a term in my vocabulary. I’d certainly heard the word, mostly in reference to the cumbersome accessory maid Marian wore in the comedy, Robinhood: Men in Tights, and I had a general, albeit incomplete, understanding of what it meant. 

Far more often in real life applications I had heard reference to abstinence. This was the term used in school health class and by medical professionals, always championed as the single totally foolproof method for avoiding a surprise, unwanted pregnancy. There lies the difference. Abstinence is birth control. Engaging in this practice is to abstain from sexual activity, not for any moral or spiritual reason, but rather for the sole purpose of avoiding the conception of new life which might result from that activity. Though they are often lumped together, this is actually in total opposition to the virtue of chastity. 

It wasn’t until a Catholic friend once politely corrected my terminology on the subject that I considered the possibility that there was any meaningful difference. All Catholics, regardless of their vocation, are called to remain chaste. We reserve the sexual embrace only for sacramental, holy marriage for the purposes of renewing marriage vows and conceiving children. Of course, this means that those in religious life are indeed called to abstain from sexual activity  as they serve God directly through work in the Church rather than through service to a spouse. This is also where natural family planning (NFP) comes into play for married couples in order to make informed decisions about starting families. 

However, at the core of this Catholic teaching, we are always open to the possibility of life, no matter what kind of service God has called us to. We do not put barriers between ourselves and God’s will whether that be through hormonal birth control or total abstinence for the sake of avoiding pregnancy. We must always be open and willing to receive God’s gifts and blessings. 

Here I Am

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My husband and I have been trying to squeeze adoration and daily mass into our schedule more frequently. Sometimes it’s a bit of an effort as neither of us are currently blessed with an abundance of free time but I never regret it. Fr. Mike Schmitz highlighted our Catholic mission perfectly in his Catechism in a Year podcast when he spoke of how we are called to live outside of Sunday worship. Our faith ought to inform everything we do. When looking for vacation destinations we have to also keep in mind the availability of a Catholic church and mass while away from home and we should consider committing to daily mass during those days of rest and relaxation. We should give more to God on our days off and in our moments of spare time because those are the moments when we have the most to give. God is for us always, not just when convenient. We ought to be for Him in the same way.

It was in this spirit that my husband and I agreed to make time before the Blessed Sacrament a larger portion of our day-to-day. Often, the small, ordinary comfort of habitual prayer before the Eucharist is the only reward, though still well worth it. However, there are other moments of being touched and utterly overwhelmed by God’s grace. Such was the case one Tuesday morning in early July. We both had the day off from work for our nation’s Independence Day and chose to begin the celebrations with morning adoration and mass. 

We like to attend adoration at our local university’s chapel. It’s an intimate experience as the little chapel is a simple, windowless room barely large enough to accommodate five chairs and one solitary kneeler set directly before a tabernacle which can be opened and closed by visitors without endangering the consecrated host inside. On this occasion we were the only two visitors and used the time to pray our daily rosary as well as a divine mercy chaplet. As we recited the chaplet my mind drifted to the real presence of Christ in the Eucharist on silent display at the front of the tiny dimmed room. 

I thought of Christ, the man, with us in adoration and was stunned at how easily and vividly that image came to mind. I didn’t have to wonder at what He would look like, how He would dress or His mannerisms as we prayed before His blessed body. Those details came into view without any effort of my own. I could almost see Him kneeling directly in front of the host between my husband and I as we sat praying on either side of the tabernacle. His back was to us, hands steepled and head bowed in silent prayer to His father. I couldn’t see his face but I don’t believe that was the point. I wouldn’t have been there if I didn’t already believe in the real presence. This image, clear as day, was not proof but consolation. He was simply there, lovingly present with us. It was like a parent’s embrace to a child which says you are safe, you are loved and you are not alone. As this scene of the three of us played out in my mind and our divine mercy chaplet drew to a close He never turned and He never spoke but three words were plastered across my consciousness and haven’t left me since. “Here I am.”

Marriage Etiquette: Flirt Like it’s 1867

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I recently came across an article outlining Victorian Era dating tips and couldn’t help but laugh because I found myself agreeing with most of them. Here is my reasoning for why these courtship rules from the 1800s are still relevant and necessary in the 21st century. 

  1. A gentleman should protect a woman in case of danger. – Yes! Men should be men. Men are generally larger, stronger, less emotional and better equipped to repel and attack. I am by no means saying that women should simply accept the role of helpless damsel in distress. I believe everyone, be it man or woman, should be fully capable of defending themselves. It’s why I enthusiastically embrace our U.S. Constitution’s Second Amendment. However, as the protector of the family, it is the husband’s (man’s) responsibility to act as the first line of defense, whether that be under physical or verbal assault. 
  2. A lady should not accept gifts from gentlemen. – This one is fairly straightforward. Don’t lead on people you’re not interested in. In today’s world the threshold for when it’s appropriate to start showering each other with gifts seems to vary from person to person. However, it’s my feeling that you shouldn’t be giving or receiving romantic gifts from or dating anyone you don’t genuinely intend to marry. It just muddies the waters and wastes everyone’s time. 
  3. A gentleman should give all his attention to his woman in public. – I believe this is the theory of duh. It’s applicable to men and women in my opinion. If you’re in a relationship don’t be making eyes at other people. Period. Obviously you shouldn’t flirt with anyone but the person you are currently committed to.
  4. A woman was prohibited from calling on a man. – While I don’t think strict adherence to this rule is currently necessary, there are some underlying ideas which I think should still be practiced today. People should not carelessly flirt with friends or strangers or do anything that might lead to scandal for themselves or others. If you really do have feelings for a potential love interest you should respect them enough to maintain a proper courtship which doesn’t leave your neighbors guessing what might be happening in private, behind closed doors. 
  5. A gentleman had to control his sexual appetite. – Guys, it turns out it’s still bad form to flirt with anything that moves. One of the hallmarks of adulthood which is sadly lacking in our society today is mastery over all of your urges and impulses rather than being mastered by them. It’s a lesson that both men and women should take to heart. Contrary to popular current belief, you do not have to bow to each and every physical and emotional desire and nor should you. 
  6. Strangers who found themselves dancing together were not allowed to converse. – I don’t totally agree with this particular rule but, as with #4, there are some underlying core values which I do believe still have a place in our modern world. Too often we underestimate the power of a proper introduction, particularly in current culture where simply approaching a woman and striking up a conversation is becoming increasingly complicated and risky. Whether it be by an acquaintance at church or a mutual work friend or anyone else, being introduced is a perfect way to ease tension and awkwardness during that first meeting. 
  7. A gentleman was obliged to carry a lady’s bag. – Much like #1, this is a PSA to all the young men in the world today. Don’t let chivalry be dead. Do the gentlemanly thing and take care of the heavy lifting. If done genuinely, it is a kind and reverent action a man can do for his lady. Inversely, all the empowered lady bosses should learn to take a step back and simply say thank you when a gentleman steps up to do a good deed for them. Men and women are different and we absolutely should embrace our uniquely masculine and feminine traits in order fulfill God’s will for our lives and become good partners for each other. 
  8. A gentleman should leave the inner side of the pavement for his lady. – This is another chivalrous and protective gesture which I think needs to be reinstated in society. In this particular instance, the man places himself in between his lady and any potential danger that might come from the street, whether that be puddle splashback or a runaway carriage. Whatever the peril, walking on the streetside demonstrates his feelings for his woman by quietly but willingly putting himself in a position to take the brunt of it.  
  9. Neither party should make the other jealous. – No good can come from toying with the mind and emotions of another human being. This manipulative act can often lead to fighting, scandal and horribly misguided judgements in a relationship. If you truly want to beat the dating game you must first embrace total honesty with your partner. You might entice dishonest people by being honest but you will never entice an honest person by being dishonest. 

What do you think? Should we revive 1800s courtship rules?

Finding Your Forever Person

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Once while chatting with my mom over the phone she mentioned the struggle of some young Catholics at her parish who were venturing into the realm of online dating. Some were also making appearances at local cocktail bars and anywhere else one might encounter a potential love interest. After hanging up with my mom, my husband and I racked our brains for places that young single Catholics should go to find their future spouse. This conversation ended with us both chuckling, not because loneliness isn’t one of the most formidable obstacles life could throw at a person but because there are only two tried and true solutions to it.

  1. Go to Church.
  2. Pray about it.

These are hardly the answers that I wanted during my months of singleness. I too spent my days texting strangers from various dating sites with seemingly indistinct matching algorithms and throwing myself into every public and social engagement I could find in the hopes of miraculously bumping into Mr. Right. None of it worked. All the online conversations were perfectly fine and perfectly disappointing. The in person dates that I attended were inorganic at best and epically awkward at worst. In every one of these scenarios I was hit with a strong sense that my date was expecting to be wooed rather than do the wooing which never quite fit with my traditional sensibilities. Suffice to say that I hadn’t come remotely close to finding my husband at this juncture.

This slew of mediocre interactions eventually led me to throw up my hands and delete all of my online accounts. I gave up my search for the perfect spouse. Either God would send him to me in His own time or I would die alone. Ironically, that’s all I needed to do the entire time. I’ve since realized that God has a bit of a sense of humor. A few months later, in one last ditch effort which I fully expected to fail, I met the love of my life. I didn’t catch his eye at the local hipster bar or at some house party at 2am. Our paths crossed for the first time at the Easter Vigil mass where he watched me be received into the Church. God’s timing is perfect and I believe this is exactly as He intended.

I am by no means suggesting that all the single Catholics in the world should simply stay home and wait for the perfect spouse to come knocking on the door. You need to go out into the world and be seen fully participating in your community. However, so often I think we underestimate the blessings which come from participating in our parish community in particular. If you want to find a virtuous spouse you need to go to where the virtuous people are and start acting like one yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll find a good Catholic lady or gentleman while partying with your work buddies at 2am. 

Thus, go to Church. Be as involved in your parish community as you possibly can. Become a visible and active member of your Church. Pray that God sends you your spouse and trust that those prayers will be answered in His timing. 

A Lesson in Humility

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Our first year of marriage has come and gone but we continue to fall in love with each other every day. Despite new challenges like my husband’s shifting work schedule and the discovery of a leaky basement, this year has been full to the brim with blessings, not least of which came with my husband’s move from a tedious sales job to a position in our local law enforcement. His days were spent in physically and mentally rigorous training, his evenings were occupied with study of Indiana state law and his weekends occasionally took him away to southern Indiana for yet more training. 

Amid all this, regular house upkeep generally fell to me and it could not have been better timing. In our first year of life together I had the privilege of a crash course on living for someone else. I was often tasked with cooking dinner, doing the dishes, tidying the house and generally maintaining a warm and inviting place for my husband to come home to every day in addition to my own day job. I discovered that, excluding a few exceptionally frustrating days here and there, I was happy to do it. The work that I did in my off hours away from the mill hardly ever felt like work. 

That’s not to say that I always succeeded in carrying out my wifely home duties to perfection. As stated earlier, this was a crash course in marriage immediately following several years of living by myself for myself and I am still learning how to be a good wife. I still catch myself falling into lazy habits on occasion and craving a little ‘me time’ with a good book. However, as a general rule, it’s so much easier to motivate to put a nice meal on the table and keep the house tidy when there’s someone else around to enjoy it too. Cooking and cleaning for myself before I was married always felt like a chore despite my love of good home cooking. Now it’s something I get to do for us. 

Even on those bad days when I just don’t feel like doing anything, I’ve learned to turn to God for help. “Lord, help me to be a good wife” is my constant prayer. My husband is living proof that God hears and answers all prayers even if not in the way we expect. With His help I can do anything. Perhaps that’s why He packed our first year of marriage with so many minor hurdles (house repair and scheduling difficulties) to overcome together. After years of living and succeeding on our own, we now get to do so as a team. This first year of married life was a beautiful lesson in humility which I am grateful to be constantly relearning.