A Prayer for My Husband

February 19, 2024February 5, 2024 / scbilder / 4 Comments

As I was deciding what to write today I came across some old freewrites that I’d scribbled in my notebook. I was especially interested to see three entries from three separate occasions when I’d felt so completely in love with my husband that I was compelled to write down a brief prayer for him. Although they were all written many months apart, all of these prayers echoed similar themes of thanksgiving and love for this wonderful man and God who gave him to me. Upon closer inspection, each individual prayer was just a more complete iteration of the last.

This is yet another example of how God’s plan is so much better than ours. When I came to the faith, I wasn’t looking for God at all. I was actually searching for the perfect husband, on a quest to avoid past relationship mistakes at all costs and instead find a good man who would truly love me just as I loved him. Little did I know that God was making His own arrangements in my life for that very thing. The hour that I entered the Catholic Church through baptism, confirmation and first eucharist was the hour in which my husband beheld me for the very first time. Here is my prayer for that man who, by the grace of God, witnessed the very first moments of my Catholic infancy and has been loving me ever since.

Dating Edition

Lord, please watch over him today. Keep him healthy, happy and safe. Thank you for sending him to me. Please help us to find the right words to allow this conversation to continue and to bring each other every day closer to you. Please also help me to recognize your work in my life as I do with him. Amen!

Engaged Edition

Lord, thank you for sending him to me! Thank you for answering my prayers and introducing me to a kind, capable, Catholic, handsome gentleman. He is my miracle. Whenever I catch myself doubting your presence or your power I need to look no further than the man who loves me with all his heart and proves it everyday.

First Anniversary Edition

Lord, thank you for this first beautiful year of marriage and all the lessons that have come with it. Thank you for sending me a kind, Catholic, soldier man who constantly shows me how to do what’s right over what’s easy and who adores me even on those days when I am deeply unlikable. Please continue to strengthen, guide and protect him in all of his endeavors and teach me to follow his example and be just as wholly and tirelessly dedicated to doing your will. Amen!

Marriage Etiquette: You’re on the Same Team

January 15, 2024December 10, 2023 / scbilder / 2 Comments

It’s so easy to slip into bad habits around those who know us best. Often, I catch myself falling into this trap with my husband or when my sister or parents come into town for a longer visit. We know these people will never leave us and there’s some relief in that, being able to release everything that was kept bottled up for the rest of the world with the understanding that we will still be loved by our favorite people.

While I agree that it’s necessary to be our most honest and genuine selves among those we love, I don’t believe that includes succumbing to our worst impulses. These people are with us for life. They are the ones who raised us, grew up with us, promised to cherish and protect us and walk with us for the rest of our days. They have and will see us at our worst. However, I don’t see any reason to increase the frequency of these occurrences simply in order to vent my own frustrations.

When we completely let loose we forget to watch what we say. We can fall to nagging our spouses, nitpicking a job well done instead of simply saying thank you. We can be led to bickering in which there’s always a winner and a loser. In the end, do you really want to be married to a loser? Is there any true victory in knowing that you have defeated your spouse, the one person on earth you have been sacramentally called to love and respect all the days of your life? What good is it to have won a petty argument when you’re both on the same team?

Obviously you’re different people and disagreements will inevitably arise by virtue of there being two brains in the relationship. In these disputes I believe we are called as Catholic married couples to conduct ourselves as civilly and compassionately as possible. As previously stated, this is easier said than done but it is a necessary and worthy endeavor. Too often in society today I think that marriage is treated like a free pass for bad behavior with our spouses and then everyone wonders why divorce rates are so high. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a mean, manipulative, judgemental person who’s always looking to pick a fight?

The reality is that being kind to your spouse actually makes them a better husband or wife. Good manners should never go by the wayside regardless of who you’re talking to. Never underestimate the healing power of a simple “please” or “thank you.” Instead of grilling your husband for all the gory details of his incredibly long and tiresome day at work as soon as he walks in the door, snuggling up with him on the sofa for a few brief moments of comfortable silence can go a long way. Likewise, doing the dishes or replacing a burnt out light bulb before your wife has time to ask is sure to make her feel loved. Lasting love and affection is often not in grand gestures though they certainly have their place. It can also be found in small, everyday kindnesses toward our spouse.

Chastity or Abstinence?

November 13, 2023October 4, 2023 / scbilder / Leave a comment

This is surely a simple question for most Catholics in the world. When fully engrossed in the faith, the contrast between chastity and abstinence is obvious and in light of that knowledge there is but one correct choice whether someone be called to marriage or religious life. However, before coming to the Church I saw little difference and even thought the two to be synonymous. In all honesty, chastity wasn’t a term in my vocabulary. I’d certainly heard the word, mostly in reference to the cumbersome accessory maid Marian wore in the comedy, Robinhood: Men in Tights, and I had a general, albeit incomplete, understanding of what it meant.

Far more often in real life applications I had heard reference to abstinence. This was the term used in school health class and by medical professionals, always championed as the single totally foolproof method for avoiding a surprise, unwanted pregnancy. There lies the difference. Abstinence is birth control. Engaging in this practice is to abstain from sexual activity, not for any moral or spiritual reason, but rather for the sole purpose of avoiding the conception of new life which might result from that activity. Though they are often lumped together, this is actually in total opposition to the virtue of chastity.

It wasn’t until a Catholic friend once politely corrected my terminology on the subject that I considered the possibility that there was any meaningful difference. All Catholics, regardless of their vocation, are called to remain chaste. We reserve the sexual embrace only for sacramental, holy marriage for the purposes of renewing marriage vows and conceiving children. Of course, this means that those in religious life are indeed called to abstain from sexual activity as they serve God directly through work in the Church rather than through service to a spouse. This is also where natural family planning (NFP) comes into play for married couples in order to make informed decisions about starting families.

However, at the core of this Catholic teaching, we are always open to the possibility of life, no matter what kind of service God has called us to. We do not put barriers between ourselves and God’s will whether that be through hormonal birth control or total abstinence for the sake of avoiding pregnancy. We must always be open and willing to receive God’s gifts and blessings.

Finding Your Forever Person

August 28, 2023September 26, 2023 / scbilder / 1 Comment

Once while chatting with my mom over the phone she mentioned the struggle of some young Catholics at her parish who were venturing into the realm of online dating. Some were also making appearances at local cocktail bars and anywhere else one might encounter a potential love interest. After hanging up with my mom, my husband and I racked our brains for places that young single Catholics should go to find their future spouse. This conversation ended with us both chuckling, not because loneliness isn’t one of the most formidable obstacles life could throw at a person but because there are only two tried and true solutions to it.

Go to Church.
Pray about it.

These are hardly the answers that I wanted during my months of singleness. I too spent my days texting strangers from various dating sites with seemingly indistinct matching algorithms and throwing myself into every public and social engagement I could find in the hopes of miraculously bumping into Mr. Right. None of it worked. All the online conversations were perfectly fine and perfectly disappointing. The in person dates that I attended were inorganic at best and epically awkward at worst. In every one of these scenarios I was hit with a strong sense that my date was expecting to be wooed rather than do the wooing which never quite fit with my traditional sensibilities. Suffice to say that I hadn’t come remotely close to finding my husband at this juncture.

This slew of mediocre interactions eventually led me to throw up my hands and delete all of my online accounts. I gave up my search for the perfect spouse. Either God would send him to me in His own time or I would die alone. Ironically, that’s all I needed to do the entire time. I’ve since realized that God has a bit of a sense of humor. A few months later, in one last ditch effort which I fully expected to fail, I met the love of my life. I didn’t catch his eye at the local hipster bar or at some house party at 2am. Our paths crossed for the first time at the Easter Vigil mass where he watched me be received into the Church. God’s timing is perfect and I believe this is exactly as He intended.

I am by no means suggesting that all the single Catholics in the world should simply stay home and wait for the perfect spouse to come knocking on the door. You need to go out into the world and be seen fully participating in your community. However, so often I think we underestimate the blessings which come from participating in our parish community in particular. If you want to find a virtuous spouse you need to go to where the virtuous people are and start acting like one yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll find a good Catholic lady or gentleman while partying with your work buddies at 2am.

Thus, go to Church. Be as involved in your parish community as you possibly can. Become a visible and active member of your Church. Pray that God sends you your spouse and trust that those prayers will be answered in His timing.