Childbirth

These words are so often the most difficult to say, yet always the most necessary. When approaching any cataclysmic shift in life; the birth of a child, marriage to your dearly beloved, the start of a new job, a move across the country to a new city, we have a vision for how we want these things to go. Obviously, we pray that they will proceed without complication and will lead us to further fulfillment of God’s plan for our lives. However, in all the commotion, when faith and trust in God are most critical, we are prone to forget both altogether. We content ourselves to power through by our own grit and determination, throwing ourselves into any labor that might bring about that shining vision we had when we started. There’s always one more thing on the to do list to occupy our time which seems far more pressing than falling on our knees before the blessed Sacrament. Carving out time for this is never a mistake and I suspect there are few people who would regret it. I was personally reminded of this during the days leading up to my daughter’s birth.

“Lord, give me strength. I trust you. Let your will be done.” These were the words playing on repeat in my mind prior to and during childbirth. I’d spent the previous nine months agonizing over potential complications and interventions, praying everyday for a safe, smooth and natural labor and delivery. However, when the time came, all that worry fell away. My baby girl did what all girls do. She took her sweet time getting ready. She took so long in fact that my labor ultimately had to be medically induced due to concerns regarding a skinny, single artery umbilical cord. This was not the totally natural, intervention free experience I had prayed for but even in this, God was present.

I don’t believe my scheduled induction was the refusal of a prayer but rather an answer to one. It required me to relinquish that glimmering vision of mine and instead place myself completely in His hands. Had things gone precisely according to my plan, I would not have been able to do this. After the better part of a year of fretting, I was blessed with the chance to simply let go and lean into His will and mercy. Once it at last became clear that I would almost certainly be induced all my fears evaporated. I had done everything I could do. Our daughter’s birth was now entirely in His hands. On the eve of my scheduled induction I told my husband that I didn’t know how to be nervous as I had no concept of exactly what it would feel like. The next morning I still couldn’t dredge up enough fear to be nervous; not during the drive to the hospital, not as I changed into the hospital gown, not even that afternoon when the midwife came in to break my water.

In that room as contractions mounted I could muster only one prayer for strength and that His will be done. I’m thrilled to say that He did indeed answer this prayer 100 times over. Although I was medically induced I was able to successfully deliver our baby girl without an epidural after a relatively brief labor, roughly nine hours in total. We’ve all heard stories of childbirth, the excruciating pain and gore of bringing a new life into the world. In many ways it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. However, at no point did it seem to me an impossible undertaking. I credit this entirely to His grace. Though it was a task that I alone could perform, I was never alone in the pain. God blessed me with a husband who was at my elbow the entire time ready to help in any way, even if it meant enduring a headlock from his laboring wife for three hours. God also blessed me with full confidence in the knowledge that He made me for just this purpose, to birth this beautiful little girl and raise her to know Him. He was there with me, assuring me all the while that this was exactly what I was meant to do.

In a friendly conversation recently while discussing plans for family visits and other logistics surrounding the birth of our baby girl I mentioned that I’d have to chat about some of these thoughts with my husband. I was a bit taken aback by the response which came in the form of an emphatic “Why?!” In fairness to the other person, the conversation included the birth itself which certainly is and ought to be chiefly in accordance with the wishes of the mother. The act of birthing a child is a physically and spiritually all consuming effort which, in many ways, affords women a singular glimpse into the sacrificial love of Christ on the cross. When it comes to birth, the woman should have the final say.

Nevertheless, I still came away from the conversation feeling a bit indignant on behalf of the wonderful man I married. The shock and my perceived audacity to consult my husband and bring him into this decision making process took me by surprise. Even among devoutly Catholic circles there is still so much resistance to the submission of wives to their husbands. The fact is that most of my decisions are jointly made with the man I married, even down to our weekly dinner menu. I would not have subjected myself to lifelong holy matrimony to a man I did not respect or whose opinion I did not value.

When we talk about the birth of our baby I maintain ultimate veto power and he’s more than happy to defer to me on the subject but I still care what he thinks. He is the person who will be there with me, holding my hand through it all. I am so blessed to have found a man who will not be content to sit in the waiting room, but one who will clear his schedule to be present for every moment of our daughter’s life, even those painful and messy first ones. Of course I want to know his thoughts.

I firmly believe that childbirth is the ultimate feminine super power but even the holy family was not made up of mother and son alone. Just as Joseph was lovingly present for Mary at the nativity of Christ, so will my husband be for the birth of our little girl. I think it’s a terrible disservice we do to men to write them out of the birthing process altogether. It’s true that in some ways they can only be spectators, observing the spiritual bond between mother and child as their wives give themselves over entirely, mind, body and soul, to the good of the child. This is a time of utter vulnerability for mother and baby and I thank God that I will not be facing it alone.

I believe that a loving, present, supportive husband is critical to the process of carrying and birthing a child and well beyond that. This is also the process in which husbands become fathers. Though not quite so physically demanding as the job of the mother at this juncture, it is no less necessary. He is the rock which she will lean on throughout the process and the protector to which she will entrust their child. Nothing gives me greater confidence as I approach childbirth as my total trust in the man I married. No matter what happens he will be there, ready to defend my and our baby’s interests if necessary and prepared to do whatever is needed to assist the process.