I recently came across an article outlining Victorian Era dating tips and couldn’t help but laugh because I found myself agreeing with most of them. Here is my reasoning for why these courtship rules from the 1800s are still relevant and necessary in the 21st century. 

1. A gentleman should protect a woman in case of danger. – Yes! Men should be men. Men are generally larger, stronger, less emotional and better equipped to repel and attack. I am by no means saying that women should simply accept the role of helpless damsel in distress. I believe everyone, be it man or woman, should be fully capable of defending themselves. It’s why I enthusiastically embrace our U.S. Constitution’s Second Amendment. However, as the protector of the family, it is the husband’s (man’s) responsibility to act as the first line of defense, whether that be under physical or verbal assault. 
2. A lady should not accept gifts from gentlemen. – This one is fairly straightforward. Don’t lead on people you’re not interested in. In today’s world the threshold for when it’s appropriate to start showering each other with gifts seems to vary from person to person. However, it’s my feeling that you shouldn’t be giving or receiving romantic gifts from or dating anyone you don’t genuinely intend to marry. It just muddies the waters and wastes everyone’s time. 
3. A gentleman should give all his attention to his woman in public. – I believe this is the theory of duh. It’s applicable to men and women in my opinion. If you’re in a relationship don’t be making eyes at other people. Period. Obviously you shouldn’t flirt with anyone but the person you are currently committed to.
4. A woman was prohibited from calling on a man. – While I don’t think strict adherence to this rule is currently necessary, there are some underlying ideas which I think should still be practiced today. People should not carelessly flirt with friends or strangers or do anything that might lead to scandal for themselves or others. If you really do have feelings for a potential love interest you should respect them enough to maintain a proper courtship which doesn’t leave your neighbors guessing what might be happening in private, behind closed doors. 
5. A gentleman had to control his sexual appetite. – Guys, it turns out it’s still bad form to flirt with anything that moves. One of the hallmarks of adulthood which is sadly lacking in our society today is mastery over all of your urges and impulses rather than being mastered by them. It’s a lesson that both men and women should take to heart. Contrary to popular current belief, you do not have to bow to each and every physical and emotional desire and nor should you. 
6. Strangers who found themselves dancing together were not allowed to converse. – I don’t totally agree with this particular rule but, as with #4, there are some underlying core values which I do believe still have a place in our modern world. Too often we underestimate the power of a proper introduction, particularly in current culture where simply approaching a woman and striking up a conversation is becoming increasingly complicated and risky. Whether it be by an acquaintance at church or a mutual work friend or anyone else, being introduced is a perfect way to ease tension and awkwardness during that first meeting. 
7. A gentleman was obliged to carry a lady’s bag. – Much like #1, this is a PSA to all the young men in the world today. Don’t let chivalry be dead. Do the gentlemanly thing and take care of the heavy lifting. If done genuinely, it is a kind and reverent action a man can do for his lady. Inversely, all the empowered lady bosses should learn to take a step back and simply say thank you when a gentleman steps up to do a good deed for them. Men and women are different and we absolutely should embrace our uniquely masculine and feminine traits in order fulfill God’s will for our lives and become good partners for each other. 
8. A gentleman should leave the inner side of the pavement for his lady. – This is another chivalrous and protective gesture which I think needs to be reinstated in society. In this particular instance, the man places himself in between his lady and any potential danger that might come from the street, whether that be puddle splashback or a runaway carriage. Whatever the peril, walking on the streetside demonstrates his feelings for his woman by quietly but willingly putting himself in a position to take the brunt of it.  
9. Neither party should make the other jealous. – No good can come from toying with the mind and emotions of another human being. This manipulative act can often lead to fighting, scandal and horribly misguided judgements in a relationship. If you truly want to beat the dating game you must first embrace total honesty with your partner. You might entice dishonest people by being honest but you will never entice an honest person by being dishonest. 

What do you think? Should we revive 1800s courtship rules?

Although it thrills me to say that I have beat the dating game once and for all and have been happily married for months, the fact is that this stage of life together is still relatively new to both of us. I am still falling head over heels for my husband and there is no end in sight to the days of me gushing about how much I love him. 

I count my blessings every day that I get to spend with the man who single handedly ruined dating for me. Even as a shy awkward teenager when dating meant sitting close together at the lunch table, I hated it. I always wanted to find my person but attracting him seemed a long, confusing, arduous ordeal. I was constantly turning to my mom for advice on what to say and what to do in response to potential love interests. Even after graduating and entering the workforce and adulthood, I was still on the phone with her every time an acquaintance got up the nerve to ask me out. She was my ultimate dating coach while on the hunt for Mr. Right and counseled me to keep my options open, watch out for red flags and, as every good Catholic knows, pray about it. 

When I met my husband things went a little differently. I still called my mom on my way home from our first date but not to ask for advice. I’d just spent an entire afternoon with a sweet, old fashioned, Catholic, dreamy soldier man on the best first date I’d ever had and was over the moon about it. Given my track record of dead end first dates, this was the very last thing I’d expected. 

However, the excitement didn’t peter out over the next few weeks as was always the case with others. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I’d never be able to marry anyone else. His general motto is “I am here to serve” and from the start of our love story it was obvious that he consciously lived by it every single day. In all my life I’d never met anyone like him and I suspect I’m not likely to again. I knew I’d never be able to return to the dating game after meeting him. My only choice from then on was to become the kind of good Catholic woman that could be married to him.

Only upon later reflection did I realize that’s exactly what marriage is all about. We’ll spend the rest of our lives shaping ourselves into good partners for each other. 

Finding the love of your life is something that nearly everyone on the planet struggles with at some point. After one too many failed romances or long bouts of no romance at all, it feels like there are no good options left. It’s a difficult cross for anyone to bear and not one that is made easier by society. 

For those wishing to escape today’s hookup culture the alternative is almost as bleak though it usually doesn’t seem that way at the time. I never had any interest in dating around. I hated the idea of having many boyfriends throughout my life and wished only to find one who would eventually become my husband. I suspect that many people have a similar outlook. However, we’ve been conditioned to keep our long term romantic goals to ourselves until we feel we’ve achieved a sufficient level of emotional closeness with the other person for fear of scaring them off or perhaps ending up stuck with the wrong person. We don’t want to come across as too hasty or pushy and this is where I feel our culture has failed us. 

We live in a society of “let’s see how it goes.” It’s common and even expected in many cases to date someone for years in order to discover every little thing about them that might be a barrier to eventual marital vows. But at what point do you pull the trigger? When do you wake up and decide that you’ve seen and learned enough? In the game of “let’s see how it goes” it’s more than likely that one person in the relationship is ready to go to the altar and say “I do” while the other is still just having fun and wondering if something better might yet come along. Some will call me old fashioned but, in my opinion, dating is a waste of time. After investing years of your life and some degree of emotional and physical intimacy into a relationship it’s unlikely that you’ll be willing to simply walk away upon discovering that their dreams don’t align with yours. 

If at any point in the relationship you don’t feel that you can have a frank and honest conversation about your marriage goals, you shouldn’t be with that person. But if dating is a waste of time, how then do you attract your future spouse? The answer; through proper courtship. In this arrangement it is mutually understood and agreed upon in the early days of the relationship that marriage is the intent and that certain intimate activities are to be saved for after the wedding. For many people this sounds like a stuffy practice and a giant step backward in human history. 

However, the reality is that it actually opens the door to true romance while alleviating any confusion about where you stand with potential suitors. It forces both parties to be original and genuine in wooing the other. There’s no added awkwardness which comes with trying to decide how soon is too soon to sleep together. You’re not in it simply to wear the other person down enough that they’ll agree to be intimate. In fact, the opposite is true. From the start of the relationship you begin to develop a team mentality as you both work together and help each other to stay chaste, something that becomes increasingly difficult as feelings grow. You have to get creative and be very deliberate about how you show affection for one another. If you both fully dedicate yourselves to this kind of relationship, you’ll arrive at your wedding with a mile long list of things you love to do together outside the bedroom and you’ll be thrilled to death at the prospect of spending the rest of your life with your best friend.  

Of course, there’s no single path to true love. I know many happily married couples who didn’t take this courting approach in their early days. It’s not the only way to cultivate a healthy relationship and it’s certainly no guarantee that your next first date will lead to marital vows. However, it does cut away all that wasted time spent dating people who don’t share your values. In my experience, courtship is the surest way to start a heart-stopping, wholesome, old-timey, life long romance and friendship.