Disciple of Christ

Love Letter to Latin Mass

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The first traditional latin mass I ever attended was hosted on a first Friday in a small church which was 45 minutes away from my home parish through heavy traffic. Truth be told, I likely wouldn’t have attended had it not been for my husband. We were newly courting at the time and treated it as a date night. I had heard almost nothing about latin mass up to that point and was very curious to see how it compared to the more widely celebrated novos ordo mass. Since then I’ve struggled to write about the experience as I’ve often felt I lacked the proper vocabulary to describe it. However, on a recent visit from Colorado I think my dad said it perfectly. “It was the most beautiful mass I’ve ever been to.”

Everything about this mass pointed to Christ. The angelic choir and organ raised all chants, hymns and mass parts to the heavens while an army of altar boys attended the priest as he celebrated the sacrifice of the mass. His vestments were always gorgeously embroidered with gold and brightly colored threads depicting scenes of the Sacred Heart or the Blessed Mother and were complete with maniple and biretta. Nearly every woman in the little church was veiling, often trailed by husbands and a flock of small children, all dressed to the nines to participate in this holy mass. 

My first few times attending latin mass I made no effort to follow along. I simply sat in stunned awe of it all, taking my cues for kneeling and prayer responses from my fellow lay people. Every knee in the church bent during the entrance procession as the cross bearer passed and heads bowed reverently toward the priest as he followed Christ to the altar. I later learned that this first Friday mass was a high mass. With the exception of the silent prayers at the altar said by the priest, the gospel reading and the homily, all mass parts were sung by the talented choir. Also apart from the gospel and homily, the priest’s back was always resolutely toward the assembly as he went about his holy work. Throughout the mass he lovingly kissed the altar and during the consecration he completely enshrouded it in incense. The air was a thick, sweet smelling haze as the assembly knelt. All in attendance also knelt at the communion rail to receive on the tongue (a first for me though it is now the only way I choose to receive). 

Though this mass was breathtaking, it was obviously not a show put on for the benefit of the assembly. There were no theatrics or flashy guitar solos. All in attendance were there for one common purpose, to receive Christ. Each and every minute and reverently performed detail of the mass was indicative only of the goodness of Christ and His sacrifice for us. To this day I count the traditional latin mass as the most reverent, most beautiful, and most unifying mass I’ve ever attended. Even though it’s hardly convenient for us to get to every month, we dutifully and happily clear our schedules every first Friday evening.

Marriage Etiquette: It’s Not 50/50

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Photo by Luisa Fernanda Bayona

In my opinion, one of the most common relationship mistakes being made today is the assumption that love, romance and marriage are an equal give and take. How neat and tidy and fair it is to assume that for every effort you make in your marriage there will be a perfectly equal reciprocation. Although I’m still quite new to married life, going on two years as man and wife, that simply hasn’t been my experience. 

My husband and I are different people with varying schedules, moods and needs. Nevertheless, we don’t waste our days keeping score of who’s turn it is to be good to the other. If we did I would certainly come up short far more often. I’m so blessed to have married an incredibly kind, capable and self-sacrificing man who is constantly looking for ways to make my life more pleasant. Everything from planning a date night to replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom is fair game in his eyes. After a series of romantic disappointments and a couple of years living entirely on my own I was more than a little unaccustomed to these habits and have spent the first years of our marriage trying my best to imitate the wonderful man I married. I strive to never miss an opportunity to say “thank you” even when he does something as mundane as wash the dishes. Amid a far more taxing work schedule than mine, he’s still on the lookout for ways to be helpful when he comes home. 

It’s so easy to get stuck in the pointless game of who’s got it worse when interacting with a spouse. The reality is that both parties should seek to give 110% always, even when that doesn’t amount to all that much. No matter what sort of day we’ve had, kindness toward a spouse is never a mistake. There may come days, months or even years when it feels like we’re pouring more of ourselves out than we get in return but that’s life. That’s marriage. Of course there will be battles and hard times for you and your spouse. You will both fall short time and again as we all do but no matter what happens, that person will be with you through it all.

Marriage is not about winning and losing. It’s not about repaying favors and debts. Marriage was designed by God as the most perfect and intimate connection between a man and a woman. We can simply look at our unique and complementary biology to prove this fact. We were literally made for each other and, as God intended it, marriage is about getting your spouse into heaven.

Before the Blessed Sacrament

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Though this Lenten season has been packed with additional prayer and activity, I never miss an opportunity to sit in silent adoration at one of our parish Lenten Vespers services. Christ truly present in the Eucharist is gloriously exposed in a gold monstrance on the altar, the massive sanctuary lit by dozens of flickering candles. It was during one of these services this year that I had a wonderful epiphany. I had arrived to Vespers a bit frazzled that evening, having practically run straight from work to the Lent soup dinner to serve fellow parishioners for a simple shared meal. However, sitting in that darkened church and beholding the blessed sacrament, I was overcome with intense joy and was incredibly humbled to participate in all these things. I was shocked at the charity of my fellow parishioners at the soup dinner and could think of no greater blessing than to be able to quietly witness Christ that evening on the altar.

A Busy Lent

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I confess that I have been deeply unmotivated to write anything for this blog lately. Our schedule has been booked solid since the beginning of February and shows no signs of easing up until mid April. This year we have taken on a myriad of new responsibilities at church. We continued our usual tradition of orchestrating the weekly Lenten soup dinners and Vespers services at our home parish. We also very recently took on the positions of the marriage prep coordinators for our church. I’ve continued my habit of playing my flute with a small ensemble group at mass as accompaniment to the hymns once a month. Additionally, my husband was just initiated into the Knights of Columbus as a third degree Knight and joined a casual hockey league with work friends this year. I’m proud to say his team won the championship game! 

Amid all of the meetings, dinners, retreats, rehearsals, practices and two full time jobs, we are also rearranging our home to welcome family member number three. Our friends and family blessed us with a beautiful and incredibly generous baby shower. Even my extended family from Colorado flew out for the celebration. Our little house is now stacked high with boxes of every shape and size containing anything a baby might need. My husband has been spending his days off assembling nursery furniture and there’s still so much to unpack.

All this is to say that the hubby and I are wonderfully blessed but also very tired. My usual 5:30 am writing hour a few times a week before work always gets a bit squished or forgotten these days. Waking up so early has definitely become more challenging with pregnancy. Though I’m still a morning person, the process of becoming a functional human being every day seems to just take a little longer than it used to. 

Though this Lent has certainly been a time of increased fasting, almsgiving and prayer for us, there have been days when I think we both lost the thread of the season simply due to our ambitious schedule. My mom mentioned over the phone the other day that this has been a hard Lent and I have to agree. This wasn’t precisely the Lent either of us had envisioned when my husband and I were discussing our plans for the season. 

However, I do think it was one of spiritual growth for us both.By virtue of the miraculous blessing of the baby girl in my belly and our new efforts in our parish marriage prep ministry, we were able to draw into a much deeper understanding of the sacramental bond between man, wife and God. We had countless discussions this year pertaining to the raising of our little girl and how we might set her on a holy path. I also found immense peace and joy in our Lenten Vespers services and was totally humbled by the charity of others at times as I was blessed with an army of dutiful church ladies to help supply food for the simple soup dinners. It has been a busy Lent and, often an exhausting one, but I feel blessed to have experienced it all. 

Mirth is Biblical

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Photo by Aleksandr Balandin

I think there is a common misconception today among Catholics and atheists alike that to be considered holy one must completely forsake sweets, alcohol, silly movies and in general, all things remotely humorous or pleasurable. This is simply not how God calls us to live. We are not to eat or drink to excess. We are not to dress or behave immodestly and we are not to tempt ourselves or others to sin by consuming lude or sacrilegious content. We Catholics believe in moderation, that most things can be beneficial in the proper doses. Contrary to popular belief, we are not a humorless bunch of prudish killjoys.

Cracking open a beer after a long day or relishing a whiskey on the rocks with friends is hardly verboten. Likewise, there is no ban on an after dinner slice of chocolate cake every once in a while. Breaking the ice in an intense game of cards with a few well timed, good natured jokes isn’t forbidden. On the contrary, mirth is entirely biblical. We are called to approach all of these things with kindness and joy and thanksgiving to God. Obviously, we Catholics are dedicated to avoiding the worship of false gods including addiction. It is only when these earthly pleasures become occasions of sin or temptation to sin that we must excuse ourselves from the fun.  

Of course, during this season of Lent we are also called to heighten our efforts regarding fasting, almsgiving and prayer. This means that many of us are at least periodically or temporarily forgoing sweets or alcohol or a number of other enjoyable treats and habits in order to make room in our lives for increased faith and reflection. These are all ways in which we can maintain properly ordered lives which are centered around Christ. They are intended to bring us into a deeper relationship with God and haven’t been laid down by the Church simply to make us miserable for 40 days.

Although everyone on the planet has experienced suffering and hardship in some capacity and certainly will again, God did not create us for lives of pure drudgery. Every single human on earth has a cross to bear. How we choose to take them up is a reflection of our faith. When left to our own devices it’s easy for anyone to get bogged down by feelings of fear, exhaustion, or even rage at all the problems life likes to throw our way. We Catholics are not immune to these feelings but we also look to Christ as an example on those bad days and strive toward eternal salvation through every hurdle. Of course, we fall short just like everyone else but in the end we seek to continue to take up these crosses willingly and even with jubilation as we give these struggles up to God because we trust in Him.  

Indeed, a Catholic life is one of constant service and sacrifice but also one of joy and mirth and love in equal measure. I pray for all those who have yet to experience the unparalleled bliss of submitting to God’s will.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

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Everyone on the planet can relate to this struggle, the overwhelming pressure of being caught in an impossible situation by no fault of your own and with no good options in sight. It can feel as if the whole world rests on your shoulders alone, as if the universe is imploding with you at the center of the chaos. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place is a monumental burden for anyone to bear. Blessedly, my days there have been few and far between. I haven’t often found myself resigned to these impossible situations but throughout my life I’ve known a number of people who have.

My parents were the first example. Throughout our childhood my sister and I were well provided for though this wasn’t always a simple task for my parents. I know there were days when my parents felt the weight of keeping the lights on and food on the table every night, especially after the 2008 recession. My sister and I were shielded from the brunt of these troubles but we were aware of them. Christmas and birthday gifts always seemed extra special with the understanding that they didn’t necessarily come easily and from a very young age we learned the value of gratitude. We loved our parents for all of this and made a habit of saying “thank you”often in our house. 

Today, the same stress rings in my sister’s voice over the phone. She is several years deep in the marathon called medical school while also discovering how to be a mother for the very first time. Her entire life she’s dreamed of helping people through medicine and, for her, it truly is a calling from God. Unfortunately, it’s a dream which demands enormous expenses. My sister truly cannot afford to flunk out of medical school. She is under immense pressure to pass difficult exams and gain hands-on experience all while constantly terrified of neglecting the duties of motherhood. Of course, everyone who knows her is fully confident in her ability to excel in both areas of her life and she’s been blessed with a kind and supportive husband to help her through this struggle.

I have never had to do anything half as demanding as this and so far I’ve even managed to avoid the money stresses which weighed on my parents’ shoulders when we were little. I know that difficulties will arise as we go through life but my burdens have been relatively light and short lived thus far. Sometimes I catch myself wishing there were words of encouragement I could give my sister but what could I possibly say from this blessed and easy life of mine? When nearing the treacherous peak of Everest there’s little want for words of wisdom from those who chose to stay at base camp. 

It’s so tempting to try to fix the problem when we see the ones we love struggling. We want to lighten the load with comfort and aid and it’s hard not to feel a tiny bit hurt when both are rejected. There are some things that aren’t for us to fix. Sometimes all we can do is watch and pray and cheer on our loved ones from the sidelines. I’m still learning this lesson. For me, the greatest challenge of being stuck between a rock and a hard place is not that I’ve been there myself, but that I can only watch when I see my family there. I pray for all those in impossible situations and also for all those called to witness that struggle. 

Motherhood: A Blessing, Not a Curse

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Photo by Nelly Aran

When speaking of motherhood I think many women are quick to share their tale of terrible woe, of sleepless nights and constant worries and the difficulties of keeping baby fed and diapers changed. The laborious process of carrying and birthing the child is often another source of juicy hardship to share. While these are all perfectly valid experiences and ones I will undoubtedly encounter myself, I think the joys of motherhood can get lost in the excitement. I feel incredibly blessed to find myself pregnant for the very first time surrounded by mothers who are overjoyed to help celebrate this amazing and miraculous gift of God’s creation.

My baby is not a hindrance to the peace and joy to be found in our home but rather an immense source of it. During phone calls with my family, everyone wants to know how I’m feeling and if I’ve felt baby kick yet. I’m happy to report that yes, our baby girl is already asserting her presence in our lives by frequently stretching her tiny legs. 

During this beautiful season of life our world has taken on a kaleidoscope of new colors and shades. My days of calm, stoic movie watching are coming to a watery end. My husband showed me Radio and The Guardian for the first time recently, both enthralling stories which I highly recommend and each had me weeping in turn. We’ve also learned to work around the new and improved space cadet mommy brain which led me to forget my entire purse at a friend’s house and has frequently been the cause of missing necessities from the grocery list. Blessedly my husband is the understanding and forgiving type. Even so, it’s impossible for him to stay annoyed for too long as my hiccups inexplicably became 15 times cuter with pregnancy.

Amid all of these inner changes we are also working to prepare our home for baby. The first critical step was a closet reset in which I switched out my usual outfits to make room for some necessary stretch wear. I firmly believe that fashion doesn’t have to go out the window when women become mothers, while pregnant or otherwise. However, there comes a point when the old jeans simply won’t button. I excitedly told the hubby the day this happened to me. We’re also in full baby prep mode, making the gift registry, planning the shower and rearranging our guest rooms to accommodate a nursery. 

All the while, I’m constantly grabbing my husband’s hand every time I feel a kick, trying to get daddy in on the full experience. Every single day we are both falling more in love with this tiny human which, by God’s grace, we were able to create together. Praise God!

Lenten Offerings

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With the occurrence of Ash Wednesday on February 14th, we have come to a new season of Lent in the Catholic Church. While this is a perfect time to cut away bad habits and embark on a new self improvement kick, Lent is so much more. We aren’t simply meant to deprive ourselves of a few of our preferred vices temporarily but rather to allow God to fill those empty places left behind. In these 40 days we are to prayerfully seek Him just as Christ did in the desert through our fasting and almsgiving. 

Here are the lenten offerings which my husband and I have settled on this season and which we hope will bring us closer to Christ. 

  • We will avoid sweets on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and avoid chocolate throughout the entire 40 days of Lent. On the whole, my husband and I already work to maintain healthy eating habits and usually only enjoy a small sugar wafer after dinner for dessert. We also already avoid chocolate except on the weekends as a small sacrificial offering throughout the year. However, during Lent we hope to extend these offerings further and keep the new practices formed during this lenten season. 
  • With the exception of religious lectures and homilies, we will both forego time spent scrolling for funny or interesting videos on Youtube. This is an unnecessary time suck for us and we look forward to filling that time with new prayers in addition to our current daily rosary, evening prayers and an episode of the Bible in a Year podcast by Fr. Mike Schmitz.
  • Instead of Youtube, we will say a scriptural rosary and a divine mercy chaplet at least once a week. The scriptural rosary is a beautiful and in depth meditation on the mysteries of the rosaries as they follow the miracles and happenings which occurred throughout Christ’s life, from His conception to the death and assumption of His blessed mother. My husband also taught me the divine mercy chaplet while we were still courting, but due to busy schedules we fell away from saying it everyday. Although we still may not always be able to say it as often as we’d like, I hope to revive this particular devotion during Lent. 
  • We will orchestrate our parish Tuesday night lenten soup dinners and Vespers services. This was a tradition begun at my home parish by a former associate priest and one which resonated incredibly well with me. The simple soup dinners before each Vespers service are a means of coming together in fellowship while still remembering our lenten promises. The candlelit Vespers services are now something I look forward to every year as times of deep reflection, meditation and closeness to Christ. 

Wherever you are, I pray that you are able to draw nearer to Christ during this holy season of Lent.  

Christmas Miracles

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This year was far from the Christmas that my husband and I had hoped for. I caught a nasty cold 3 days before the season was to begin and spent the majority of the holiday vacation coughing, sniffling and unable to sleep through the nights. We were also forced to plan around a bit of an odd work schedule as my husband was still on night shift at the time and working through Christmas Eve. Our combined schedule made it impossible to get back to Colorado to celebrate with my family in the mountains this year and the hubby was sleeping during the day. Thus I spent most of a rainy, dreary, snowless Christmas Eve alone. For all of these reasons the usual magic of Christmas was nowhere to be found and I wasted half the day mourning its absence. What a perfectly uncatholic way to welcome the coming of Christ. 

However, though my beloved Christmas magic was far away, all this unpleasantness was ultimately transformed into my very own Christmas miracle all thanks to a phone call with one of the best Catholics I know, my mom. I’ve told her this many times before but after the events of this Christmas Eve, it bears repeating. The world needs more moms. She listened to my holiday woes with Mary-like patience and then imparted the following (perhaps divinely inspired) advice. 

  1. Bake something – Even in spite of feeling a bit under the weather, I was still perfectly able to buzz around my house a bit that day and make some kind of preparation for the coming of Christ. She sent me a breakfast casserole recipe which became our Christmas morning meal. 
  2. Listen to Handel’s Messiah – Growing up, a local group would always spend a weekend traveling to several churches in the valley to perform George Frederic Handel’s famous oratorio and this provided a small taste of childhood. It’s also an incredibly reverent work entirely dedicated to the beauty and joy of the Christmas season. There’s some speculation that it was even divinely inspired as Handel completed the work in a short 2 weeks. 
  3. Read the Gospel nativity passages – What better way to remember Christ’s humble beginnings than to return to the Gospel stories. It’s interesting to see the same language echoed across multiple Gospels, many of which make use of words like “behold” traditionally meant to announce royalty. Christ was not just a baby who became a prophet. He is our King. 
  4. Light the Advent candles – Due to drastically different work schedules we didn’t have many opportunities this year to sit in prayer over our lit Advent wreath. However, Christmas Eve, the last day of the season, was a perfect time to remedy this situation. They remained lit as I read the Gospel recounts of the nativity. 

All this my mom offered as means to LIVE LITURGICALLY! In spite of minor, or even major hardship, in our lives we are called to embrace the spirit of the season especially during one of the holiest seasons on the liturgical calendar. Though it did take some motherly nudging, I found immense peace and joy this Christmas Eve as I went about these activities, embracing an attitude of service, gratitude and quiet reflection. It was yet another Christmas in which things did not go according to plan but one in which I truly and happily drew closer to Christ.

Mirrors

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Sometimes it’s easy to look in the mirror and not like the person looking back. The image is always somehow distorted and the lighting is never quite right. Sometimes it’s difficult to recognize ourselves at all but even on these days there is comfort in knowing this is exactly how God made us. Of course, we’re human, imperfect in this life. We are flawed and fallen and ever seeking eternal salvation but, so long as we know that we are also entirely His, there’s a good chance we might just look in the mirror one day and be inspired by the person we see there.