Disciple of Christ

Marriage Etiquette: You’re on the Same Team

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Photo by Rainstorm Photo

It’s so easy to slip into bad habits around those who know us best. Often, I catch myself falling into this trap with my husband or when my sister or parents come into town for a longer visit. We know these people will never leave us and there’s some relief in that, being able to release everything that was kept bottled up for the rest of the world with the understanding that we will still be loved by our favorite people. 

While I agree that it’s necessary to be our most honest and genuine selves among those we love, I don’t believe that includes succumbing to our worst impulses. These people are with us for life. They are the ones who raised us, grew up with us, promised to cherish and protect us and walk with us for the rest of our days. They have and will see us at our worst. However, I don’t see any reason to increase the frequency of these occurrences simply in order to vent my own frustrations. 

When we completely let loose we forget to watch what we say. We can fall to nagging our spouses, nitpicking a job well done instead of simply saying thank you. We can be led to bickering in which there’s always a winner and a loser. In the end, do you really want to be married to a loser? Is there any true victory in knowing that you have defeated your spouse, the one person on earth you have been sacramentally called to love and respect all the days of your life? What good is it to have won a petty argument when you’re both on the same team? 

Obviously you’re different people and disagreements will inevitably arise by virtue of there being two brains in the relationship. In these disputes I believe we are called as Catholic married couples to conduct ourselves as civilly and compassionately as possible. As previously stated, this is easier said than done but it is a necessary and worthy endeavor. Too often in society today I think that marriage is treated like a free pass for bad behavior with our spouses and then everyone wonders why divorce rates are so high. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a mean, manipulative, judgemental person who’s always looking to pick a fight?

The reality is that being kind to your spouse actually makes them a better husband or wife. Good manners should never go by the wayside regardless of who you’re talking to. Never underestimate the healing power of a simple “please” or “thank you.” Instead of grilling your husband for all the gory details of his incredibly long and tiresome day at work as soon as he walks in the door, snuggling up with him on the sofa for a few brief moments of comfortable silence can go a long way. Likewise, doing the dishes or replacing a burnt out light bulb before your wife has time to ask is sure to make her feel loved. Lasting love and affection is often not in grand gestures though they certainly have their place. It can also be found in small, everyday kindnesses toward our spouse. 

Christmas Isn’t Over!

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Photo by Kristina Paukshtite

The days after December 25th are always a bit strange. We’ve been hearing carols blaring on the radio since Halloween and engaging in all sorts of special Advent service and preparation for the nativity for months. Despite all of the anticipation for the jolliest time of year, I can’t help feeling a tiny ping of sadness every year when I see the first Christmas tree stripped of its ornaments and tossed out by the curb with the rest of the garbage. On occasion I’ve seen this even before January 1st. 

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, long before my conversion to the faith. I admit that early on, and with a much more secular understanding of Christmas, I was often among those to partake in premature Christmas decoration and celebration. It was always the happiest time of year with my family and I strove to make it last as long as possible. 

Since coming to the faith and marrying my deeply devout husband, I’ve also come to a new understanding of the Christmas season. Contrary to popular belief, it actually begins on December 25th when we celebrate the birth of Christ. In parishes and on front lawns across the world, scenes of the infant Christ in the manger with Mary and Joseph remind us of the humble beginnings of our own salvation. This season extended all the way to January 7th, the Solemnity of the Epiphany and the arrival of the magi to Bethlehem where they paid homage to Christ. 

As previously mentioned I myself annually join in the premature Christmas merry making. My husband and I are working on taking a more liturgical approach to the Christmas season which means not setting the star atop our own tree until Christmas Eve. However, it also means fully embracing the joy of the season for the entirety of the season. We shouldn’t be cutting it short just because old Saint Nick has already come and gone. The Christmas season is first and foremost a devotion to Christ.

The Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God

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Photo by JINU JOSEPH

While the world ushers in the possibilities of the new year, many Catholics take yet another opportunity to reverence Mary. Although January 1st is not officially a holy day of obligation in all countries it is a day in which we celebrate the Mother of God. This is the octave of Christmas, occurring on the day that Christ was circumcised and given His name. On this Catholic feast we remember Mary as she lovingly fulfills her motherly responsibilities to her beloved Son. Christ was fully human and fully divine, the perfect child just as Mary was and is the perfect mother to us all. Don’t forget to pray your rosary today and implore the Holy Mother for intercessions in your life. God always hears and listens to His mother.   

The Gift of Christmas

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In addition to all of the fun family traditions and the brightly wrapped packages under the tree, we should also let Christmas be a time of service to our neighbors. Perhaps that means bell ringing in front of the grocery store or volunteering for a local soup kitchen. Maybe it just means helping the elderly woman who lives next door hang her Christmas lights. Whatever it is, this is one Christmas tradition that your family will not forget.

Mustard Seeds

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Photo by Akil Mazumder

For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. – Matthew 17:20-21

When asked why I converted to Catholicism it’s difficult to pinpoint an exact moment when my understanding blossomed into true belief. I’ve often said that there wasn’t a single instant which led me to the faith but many moments, both big and small, over the course of many years. Upon reflection, I think the first seeds of Catholic understanding in my life were all planted by my two wonderful parents, though we may have all been unaware at the time. 

My very first exposure to Catholic teachings and literature did not come from the Bible. I first heard and fell in love with these teachings through the eloquent writings of JRR Tolkien in his tales of Middle Earth. Bedtime stories were always a must in our house growing up and Tolkien’s were our favorite. Even before any of us were Catholic and well before I myself could read, my dad spent countless evening hours sitting between my sister and I with The Lord of the Rings open in his lap, causing the letters to come alive with his various character voices as my mom sat close by knitting in her comfy armchair. To this day, my sister and I still eat up these stories, epic recounts of the eternal struggle between good and evil and all the rays of light that can still be found in a world falling into darkness. Tolkien’s work is bursting with Catholic messages and imagery.  

My mom also planted slightly more literal Catholic seeds later when I grew up and moved away to Indiana. She gifted me with a small metal crucifix and a tiny car rosary. I was not Catholic at the time and had no intention of coming to the faith but my mom was not deterred. These she hung in my life with care and without my permission, the crucifix rather prominently displayed in the middle of my apartment living room and the rosary dangling from the rearview mirror in my car. Long after she returned to Colorado and left me to my new life in the Midwest, my crucifix and rosary still hung where she’d left them. In part, I was grateful for the prayers which came with them even if I myself didn’t subscribe to the faith they represented. They were little reminders of my mom’s love for me. I also knew that she’d look for them whenever she visited and never had the heart to explain why I’d moved them so they were left as they were, Christ on the cross watching over me wherever I went.  

I would later find myself defending Catholicism during good natured religious debates over lunch with work friends. At the time I knew close to nothing about the faith except what my parents had told me since their return to the Church. I always felt compelled to correct the more blatant anti Catholic arguments on behalf of the two intelligent and loving people who raised me. Now I understand why. Looking back, all of these seemingly insignificant moments were indeed guiding me to the faith, one slow inch at a time. 

Preparation of Advent

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Photo by Ronaldo R&K

Many people, myself included, are enthusiastically getting into the Christmas spirit, decorating the tree, planning gift shopping and of course belting all the usual holiday tunes in the car. Amid the excitement it’s easy to forget that the Christmas season is in fact still several weeks away. Yesterday, December 3rd marked the beginning of the holy season of Advent, a time which is first and foremost dedicated to preparation for the nativity. 

Although in countless households across the world, this preparation likely includes the baking of delicious Christmas cookies and the wrapping of toys and gadgets for family members, this should also be a time of preparation of our own hearts to receive our Lord, Jesus Christ. Our associate priest once aptly termed this time of the year as mini Lent. In addition to the jolly times and good cheer we enjoy with friends and family during the build up to Christmas, it’s also necessary to set aside time for quiet reflection and adoration of Christ. This is also a time of renewed service for many Christians, whether that be through bell ringing in front of the grocery store or by spending the weekends working at the local soup kitchen. Much like during Lent, we can all find ways to give of ourselves a little more this Advent season in a spirit of service toward our neighbors.

One of my favorite ways to embrace this spirit of giving is by helping to orchestrate the weekly Advent adoration and vespers services which have become a tradition at my home parish. The first time I witnessed one of these services I was still unbaptized and in my own process of discernment about the Catholic faith. The beauty and reverence of these evenings were instrumental in softening my heart to later receive Christ through baptism and first Eucharist. As such, I was determined to keep them as a regular Advent and Lent tradition at our church even after our former associate priest originally responsible for organizing the events was assigned elsewhere. These services were my first recognizable encounter with the Holy Spirit and the first time that I truly felt like a member of Christ’s Church. I pray that those in attendance now can receive similar graces this advent season as we all await the nativity of Christ.

I Aim to Preach

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Photo by David Eucaristía

There is a constant fear among many Catholics today of being too preachy. We all go around walking on eggshells, terrified of coming across too strongly in our faith or upsetting anyone with our trust in the one true God. Even some of the most devoted Catholics have been conditioned to keep their religious convictions out of social and professional settings at all costs. This is a huge disservice to Christ. We are His disciples, called to go out into the world and profess the word of God. This is not to be done in a prideful or overly pious way but it should be done. If we truly believe in the Holy Trinity, that Christ died on the cross for our sins and is ever present in the Eucharist when we go to mass, our mission in life must be to help as many people receive Him as possible. 

If we fully accept those Catholic teachings we also understand the consequences of turning away from God when we sin which is why we so often run to confession. Rather than striving for vast earthly wealth and success, Catholics seek to achieve eternal salvation which is found only in Christ. We all have good in us but we are not all going to Heaven. God created us in His image. Each and every human being on the planet is proof of His miraculous work and love. However, in order to obtain salvation we must fully and freely choose Him and live in accordance with His teachings. We should preach our faith to anyone who will listen to save as many souls as we can while in this earthly life.

Our faith is not reserved for Sunday worship alone. We Catholics should not hide who we are and what we believe from our friends and coworkers. Of course, launching into a full homily every time you’re out to lunch isn’t likely to win many hearts but small, seemingly ordinary invitations can spark a question or conversation that can lead to much more. Perhaps it’s as simple as sharing in your office team meeting that the reason for your upcoming vacation is a trip to visit family for the baptism of a new niece or nephew. Maybe it’s as easy as noting your intention to go to mass when asked about your weekend plans. If you’re feeling especially outgoing you could even extend a formal invitation for friends to join you at that mass. We need only plant small seeds and trust God to do the rest. I believe that going through life with a holier than thou attitude is the mark of a false Catholic just as is concealing our faith among non-believers. In order to truly live out our faith we must do so publicly. It should be obvious to those around us, not because we live with our noses in the air, but by the truth we speak, the modest way we dress and the compassionate things we do everyday to share God’s love.

Chastity or Abstinence?

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This is surely a simple question for most Catholics in the world. When fully engrossed in the faith, the contrast between chastity and abstinence is obvious and in light of that knowledge there is but one correct choice whether someone be called to marriage or religious life. However, before coming to the Church I saw little difference and even thought the two to be synonymous. In all honesty, chastity wasn’t a term in my vocabulary. I’d certainly heard the word, mostly in reference to the cumbersome accessory maid Marian wore in the comedy, Robinhood: Men in Tights, and I had a general, albeit incomplete, understanding of what it meant. 

Far more often in real life applications I had heard reference to abstinence. This was the term used in school health class and by medical professionals, always championed as the single totally foolproof method for avoiding a surprise, unwanted pregnancy. There lies the difference. Abstinence is birth control. Engaging in this practice is to abstain from sexual activity, not for any moral or spiritual reason, but rather for the sole purpose of avoiding the conception of new life which might result from that activity. Though they are often lumped together, this is actually in total opposition to the virtue of chastity. 

It wasn’t until a Catholic friend once politely corrected my terminology on the subject that I considered the possibility that there was any meaningful difference. All Catholics, regardless of their vocation, are called to remain chaste. We reserve the sexual embrace only for sacramental, holy marriage for the purposes of renewing marriage vows and conceiving children. Of course, this means that those in religious life are indeed called to abstain from sexual activity  as they serve God directly through work in the Church rather than through service to a spouse. This is also where natural family planning (NFP) comes into play for married couples in order to make informed decisions about starting families. 

However, at the core of this Catholic teaching, we are always open to the possibility of life, no matter what kind of service God has called us to. We do not put barriers between ourselves and God’s will whether that be through hormonal birth control or total abstinence for the sake of avoiding pregnancy. We must always be open and willing to receive God’s gifts and blessings. 

A Mother’s Love

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Sometimes we have to grow up to truly grasp all the little ways our parents love us even without our knowledge. For the first 21 years of my life there was always family close by, sometimes a short 20 minutes down the road but most often just in the next room. I grew up accustomed to the familial sounds of chatter in the hall and feet on the stairs. Even now, my house doesn’t quite feel like home when my husband has to spend a weekend away for work and everything falls silent. Home has always been where my people are.

When I moved to Indiana for a job in the steel industry I also embarked on the two loneliest years of my life. Of course, I invested all of my free time and energy in keeping busy and making friends. I took up new hobbies and filled my days with every social engagement I could find, despite being incredibly shy. However, in the evening I would always return to a dark, empty apartment which was an especially sobering situation amid COVID lockdowns. During this season of loneliness I called my mom nearly every day, sometimes three times in one day. She was a constant lifeline and content to receive a running play-by-play of my new life in the Midwest. My mom wore many hats during that time; life coach, public relations advisor, romance councilor, medical consultant and chief BFF to name a few. 

Now, having found my husband and both of us with slightly busier church schedules, we talk a bit less. Our catch up phone calls now come a few times a week and I’m ashamed to say I’ve caught myself a bit peeved on occasion when she wasn’t able to come to the phone. In addition to becoming a hugely active and influential member of her parish community, my mom is also the current help hotline for my sister who is in the throes of medical school while navigating the joys and trials of motherhood for the very first time. 

It occurred to me recently that in my own time of need my mom was just as available and ready to listen. She hardly ever missed a call during those two years when I was entirely on my own in an unfamiliar landscape. At the time, I was simply grateful for the comfort our daily check-ins afforded us both. I was blessed with a familiar voice to vent any and all frustrations to and my mom received regular reassurance that her youngest daughter was still safe and well. Now, years later, I consider the sacrifice these chats required on her part, to always be ready and willing to listen. I pray someday that my own kids can know they are loved that much. Thanks mom.

Celebrity Status

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Photo by cottonbro studio

On our way back from a short Colorado trip this year my husband and I were making our way through the Denver airport. I believe this was also the day after a Taylor Swift concert and DIA was utterly overrun with swifties, some of whom still sported their concert costumes. Blessedly, we arrived at the airport with hours to spare and the security line moved quickly. Once through we prepared to board a train to carry us to our gate and caught sight of the black clericals and white collar of a priest in the crowd. Given that we were on our way back from baptizing our niece in an incredibly reverent mass, I felt this was the perfect ending to such a holy weekend and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. 

He was dressed much the same as all the other priests I’ve met but for two details. Around his neck hung a large beautiful golden crucifix and on his finger sat a gold ring which looked to be a seal. My husband and I were sure that this was no ordinary priest. We boarded the train and ended up standing directly in front of this holy man and I wracked my brain for some small comment of appreciation to say to him. I came up blank as I couldn’t decide how to address him without being sure of his name or position in the Church. 

As we sped toward our gate, the train rounded a bend and jostled as trains do. We’d shuffled to the middle of the car to allow others to board and now, being somewhat unanchored, I literally bumped into the man. Of course I wasted no time in making a brief but sincere apology which he graciously accepted. Again, I was left searching for more words to express my joy at having found the Church and my gratitude toward all the holy men who have chosen the priesthood. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance as he deboarded at the next gate and we continued on. 

We later found him through a quick google search and excitedly texted my parents to tell them that I had bumped into Archbishop Aquila, the Archbishop of Denver. This experience called to mind a story my sister told me about one of our priest friends visiting her and her husband in Little Italy while on a trip to Cleveland once. They’d all gone out for lunch and he’d even concelebrated mass at Holy Rosary Church there. Throughout his visit, random strangers would wave and say hello, obviously noting the priestly clericals. My sister said it was almost like being out to lunch with a celebrity. The people in Little Italy were hardly shy about showing their appreciation for the priesthood.

This is how we should treat our priests! I am by no means advocating the kind of idolatry which has become commonplace to reserve for the pop stars of society. We are not to worship false gods and it’s true that some individuals mistakenly make their way into the priesthood, but even these men have been put there for a reason, though we on earth may never know what it is. However, there is no denying that, on the whole, these are holy men, ordained by God and solely capable of acting in the person of Christ while conferring the sacraments. We ought to afford special respect to the white collar and certainly those who wear it.