Nearly three years ago when the hubby and I were shopping for our wedding rings I approached this task with a short list of criteria. I wanted a simple gold band free of adornment like the ones that live on my parents’ fingers. Unlike the engagement ring, there are no twinkling stones refracting the sunshine, just a latticework of fine scratches and dents across its once smooth surface.
This preference was partially a practical one. I’ve never been especially gentle on my hands. Anything from washing dishes to changing dirty diapers to gutting and skinning an elk is fair game in my book and I wanted a ring that I’d never have to take off. Even now, after just two years of marriage, it doesn’t shine quite like it did when it was new. It’s not pristine and perfect anymore but each defect tells a story of the beautiful, full life we’ve begun together. This scratched wedding band is my personal reminder of God’s goodness and all the tiny blessings He bestows on us every single day.
I was once asked in a discussion about marriage how I knew my husband was the one. By modern standards our courtship was the brief, whirlwind kind. After knowing me for only four months he asked my parents for their blessing to marry me. It took another two months for the ring to come in and he got down on one knee as soon as it did. Our official engagement lasted a short six months and we were wed almost exactly one year to the day that we met in person for the first time. To rational people, this timeline might seem crazy or, at the very least, a bit rushed. How can you possibly know after four months that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? However, I can truly say that it was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.
I’ve written on this subject before in Dating to Courtship: Romance with Intention but I think the secret to our seemingly fairytale romance is that we never actually dated. From day one, we were vetting each other for marriage. The goal of our relationship was never simply to have fun though that was a huge bonus to our courtship. Pleasure and happiness were never the main objectives for either of us. Since that very first date to Pentecost mass it was obvious that this man wanted my soul to go to heaven and would actively work toward that end. There hasn’t been a second since that day that I doubted this key fact.
After this realization, “boyfriend” always felt much too inadequate a title. I never grew accustomed to it because, in truth, he could only really be described as a besotted suitor. It was a relief to graduate to the term “fiance.” On our third date we were discussing our marriage goals and not long after that I casually mentioned the story of my brother-in-law asking for my parents’ blessing to marry my sister. Call me old fashioned but it’s a tradition I value and the hubby took the hint at the time. The second time he ever met my parents he bravely initiated the “I’d love to marry your daughter” chat. They’d had a little heads up from me that this might be coming and were only too happy to grant their blessing. The hubby surprised me with ring shopping not long after.
Over the course of our three years together (two as man and wife) he’s never ceased to woo and spoil me and he’s never tired of what I know he considers his sacred duty to see my soul enter the kingdom of heaven. Each and every step of our journey together has been guided by that holy purpose. It was a very simple roadmap to follow and we both were totally dedicated to it. That’s not to say that we’ve been perfect people throughout the entirety of our relationship. Feelings and passions ran extremely high during our courtship, engagement and even still today in our marriage but we helped each other in those moments. We were and are helplessly, head over heels, weak at the knees, madly in love with each other but we checked each other when needed, taking great care never to get too carried away during those early months.
This was a kind of devotion I didn’t know existed before I met him. After encountering it, I knew that no one else would ever do. I could have spent the rest of my life searching for another man who would love me that much, right down to my very soul. Thus, I didn’t just want to marry this man. I had to or else resign myself to the reality that no one else would ever care for me so well. I still wonder sometimes how I could possibly deserve him but perhaps that’s the point. God didn’t send me this wonderful man because I deserve him. Perhaps He did it because I’ll spend the rest of my life doing whatever it takes to be a worthy partner. A life spent following and serving a godly man in the holy sacrament of matrimony is itself a godly life.
During a fun bridal shower game a couple of years ago our friends and family were asked to write down some of their tips and tricks for a long and happy marriage. We enjoyed reading these and have taken the advice to heart. Here are some time tested methods for maintaining love, compassion and romance from the experts in my life.
Always stay best friends.
Take time for date night (at least monthly). No matter how busy life gets with work, kids, etc. always make time for the two of you.
Never go to sleep angry. Hugs and kisses and prayers at bedtime only.
Watch your wedding video often (or peruse the wedding photo album).
Hold hands when you walk.
Laugh together every day.
Sometimes there isn’t enough time for both of you in one day. Listen and support each other even if it means putting your own worries on hold.
Always go on adventures.
Always remember why you fell in love and always make positive comments to each other.
Happy spouse, happy house.
“It takes three to get married.” – Bishop Fulton Sheen. With God at the center and a little help from the Blessed Mother, you will be great.
Pray together and stay together.
Always be kind to each other.
Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Never assume anything. The one time you do will be the last.
Be best friends with Mary and St. Joseph.
Talk with each other. Tell one another you love each other.
I’ve mentioned this before but I believe that kindness to a spouse often goes undervalued in society today. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how well you might feel you know the person. Maintaining good manners and compassion for the people closest to you is a necessary endeavor in any relationship, especially between man and wife. Over the course of our two short years of marriage my husband and I have both made adjustments to how we communicate and are constantly working to maintain civil and compassionate communication with each other, even in those rare instances when we disagree.
However, even in our worst moments, I still am overwhelmed by this amazing gift of marriage that God has blessed me with. Not only am I married to a good man. I am sacramentally bonded to one I am deeply and totally in love with. In addition to trusting my husband completely, I also still regularly find myself a little weak at the knees when he walks in the door from work. My life has become infinitely better since he came into it.
Once while chatting with my mom over the phone she mentioned the struggle of some young Catholics at her parish who were venturing into the realm of online dating. Some were also making appearances at local cocktail bars and anywhere else one might encounter a potential love interest. After hanging up with my mom, my husband and I racked our brains for places that young single Catholics should go to find their future spouse. This conversation ended with us both chuckling, not because loneliness isn’t one of the most formidable obstacles life could throw at a person but because there are only two tried and true solutions to it.
Go to Church.
Pray about it.
These are hardly the answers that I wanted during my months of singleness. I too spent my days texting strangers from various dating sites with seemingly indistinct matching algorithms and throwing myself into every public and social engagement I could find in the hopes of miraculously bumping into Mr. Right. None of it worked. All the online conversations were perfectly fine and perfectly disappointing. The in person dates that I attended were inorganic at best and epically awkward at worst. In every one of these scenarios I was hit with a strong sense that my date was expecting to be wooed rather than do the wooing which never quite fit with my traditional sensibilities. Suffice to say that I hadn’t come remotely close to finding my husband at this juncture.
This slew of mediocre interactions eventually led me to throw up my hands and delete all of my online accounts. I gave up my search for the perfect spouse. Either God would send him to me in His own time or I would die alone. Ironically, that’s all I needed to do the entire time. I’ve since realized that God has a bit of a sense of humor. A few months later, in one last ditch effort which I fully expected to fail, I met the love of my life. I didn’t catch his eye at the local hipster bar or at some house party at 2am. Our paths crossed for the first time at the Easter Vigil mass where he watched me be received into the Church. God’s timing is perfect and I believe this is exactly as He intended.
I am by no means suggesting that all the single Catholics in the world should simply stay home and wait for the perfect spouse to come knocking on the door. You need to go out into the world and be seen fully participating in your community. However, so often I think we underestimate the blessings which come from participating in our parish community in particular. If you want to find a virtuous spouse you need to go to where the virtuous people are and start acting like one yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll find a good Catholic lady or gentleman while partying with your work buddies at 2am.
Thus, go to Church. Be as involved in your parish community as you possibly can. Become a visible and active member of your Church. Pray that God sends you your spouse and trust that those prayers will be answered in His timing.
I don’t believe it’s ever appropriate to bad mouth your spouse whether they’re present or not. I think it’s behavior which reflects more poorly on you than on the husband or wife that you’re complaining about. Why did you subject yourself to lifelong commitment to that person if you find them so tiresome? On your list of priorities, their dignity and well being should certainly come before your own comeuppance for a minor, petty grievance, especially in the case of someone you’ve vowed to love and cherish all the days of your lives.
I’ve heard a number of friends and coworkers verbally degrade their partners on several occasions, all under the guise of good natured ribbing and fun. It’s often even more unsettling to meet the aforementioned partner only to discover that they have nothing but praise for their ill-mannered significant other. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or do. As a couple you should be able to have productive, civil, even compassionate disagreements. I’m not advocating total, stiff formality with your spouse. You need to be able to have fun together and must therefore be equipped with enough humility to laugh at yourselves. That just doesn’t include laughing at each other.
Blessed in the Midwest 