After weeks of easy nap times in the crib, a few difficult days can zap mommy’s productivity. How easy it is to flit about the house accomplishing this and that while baby girl snores gently in her room. It’s on the bad days when she cries herself to sleep that I find it nearly impossible to tear my eyes away from the baby monitor. The mommy guilt is ever present as she wails alone.
Thankfully these are rare occurrences as the hubby and I have been blessed with a very good sleeper. We are determined to keep it that way and thus have resolved to train her to take naps in the crib. Of course, the schedule gets thrown off occasionally with appointments and errands throughout the day. Resetting back into the usual rhythm can take a few more days but blessedly, this little girl loves her naps and is generally happy to take her beauty sleep.
During our time running our parish marriage prep ministry we’ve met many dutiful and faithful Catholics approaching the Sacrament of holy matrimony. However, the majority of them are somewhat uninformed and unpracticed when it comes to Natural Family Planning (NFP). As Catholics we must always be open to life which means we avoid the use of birth control and contraceptives which deprive us of God’s gifts and blessings. This does not mean we are prohibited from making informed decisions about when to grow our families. This is where NFP comes in. There are a number of methods for tracking a woman’s natural menstrual cycle in order to determine times of high and low fertility. Equipped with this knowledge it is possible to choose when to invite new little ones into the world. While this can be a highly effective means of family planning it is not without its difficulties and so today I want to share some of the pros and cons of using NFP.
Pros
During those times when you are not actively looking to grow your family, NFP is as effective as any birth control at preventing unplanned pregnancies. One common misconception about NFP is that it is unscientific and imprecise. However, when properly adhered to, it’s an incredibly reliable means of planning and spacing pregnancies.
NFP is completely natural and free of the hormones and chemicals present in birth control used to artificially regulate a woman’s cycle and which can be harmful to her. Birth control can and often does come with a number of side effects including headaches, mood swings, decreased libido and even weight gain. It can also correlate with rare but more serious risks like blood clots, cancer and ectopic pregnancies.
Practicing NFP can help to grow the trust and affection between you and your spouse. Whether you are trying to become pregnant or not, using NFP is a team effort. You and your spouse will be called to periods of abstinence during which you will have to find other ways of expressing your affection for one another beyond sexual intimacy. This might look like you both picking up extra little chores around the house or treating yourselves to a night out.
Cons
Because NFP relies entirely on a woman’s menstrual cycle, it is most effective and easiest to practice when her cycle is regular. Through adherence to healthy diet, sleep and exercise a lady can naturally regulate her menstrual periods. However, for some women, this is simply not possible, whether due to demanding work schedules or the presence of small children in the home. Even something as mundane as a common cold can be enough to throw off her calendar. Long stretches of abstinence can put strain on your marriage. We Catholics believe that the sexual embrace is a renewing of a couple’s marital vows and a necessary part of holy matrimony, not just for the purpose of conceiving children. However, for those women who struggle with a regular cycle, there may be weeks or even months of abstinence when it will be necessary to find other ways to come together in your marriage. NFP often calls for heightened self discipline and support from your spouse.
These are certainly not the only considerations when using NFP. Many people are unaware of the abortive aspect of hormonal birth control. Likewise, women often find they are much more confident in their knowledge of their own bodies when they start using NFP. Unfortunately, it is also true that using NFP requires constant commitment and sacrifice but on the whole, and from a Catholic perspective, the pros far outweigh the cons.
Apologies to all for the lapse in post last week. Between being a first time mom and figuring out my employment situation the last few weeks have seemed to run together without time for much else. As such, today’s post is short and sweet.
These days there’s so much talk about main character energy. Given how few people seem to take a genuine interest in reading I find this a bit ironic but it does beg an interesting question. Should you be the main character of your own life? Before my conversion to the faith I would have answered of course. Who else could your life possibly be about? However, as with many things since I first entered the Catholic Church, my current response is entirely different.
I no longer strive to exude main character energy because my life became infinitely better when it stopped being about me. I found Christ, I got married and, most recently, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Certainly I still hold tremendous agency over my words and actions but my world no longer revolves around me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I choose to place three other people at the center of it. In a hundred years if anyone is still telling my story I pray that through my efforts to be a good wife and a good mother, it’s a story which points others to the love and truth of Christ.
I’ve told my husband that before I met him I felt like I was just keeping myself busy and somewhat productive. I always felt called to be a wife and mother and though I worked toward those ends while still shaping myself into a productive member of society, I often struggled with a sense of aimlessness. I was entertaining myself until God brought love into my life. Now, I know beyond any doubt that the work that I do within my family is a fulfillment of God’s plan for me and there is no better feeling.
Over the last year my husband and I have taken on the responsibility of our parish marriage prep program and have thus gotten into the habit of discussing some of the less glamorous aspects of sacramental true love. One of these which I think many couples tend to shy away from is the subject of money. As Catholics we understand that money does not buy happiness or salvation but personal finances are a topic that should be broached before going to the altar to say I do. Surprising your brand new spouse with your crushing student debt or an uncontrolled spending habit will not endear you to them. Total honesty is a virtue which ought to be embraced by both parties from the start of your courtship. My husband and I even went so far as to show each other our bank accounts a few months into our relationship. I had just bought a house, greatly depleting my savings. This wasn’t news I wanted to spring on him later.
However, in addition to full honesty with your future spouse, I believe in many cases, a much more tangible level of sharing ought to be considered. Although I can name happily married couples in my life for whom separate bank accounts are appropriate, I don’t believe that these are the norm or should be. Unfortunately, many modern couples choose this approach. Separate finances in a marriage should be avoided for the same reason that the Church condemns contraceptives. You are telling your spouse that “you can have all of me… almost.” It’s a ‘mine’ rather than an ‘ours’ mentality which is all too prevalent in society. It maintains an avenue for dispute and impermanence in the marriage which is outright uncatholic. In a truly sacramental marriage there should be no thought for a contingency plan if the relationship goes south. Giving yourselves a financial out “just in case” comes with the built in temptation to take it. Though the romance may remain fresh and strong for years after the wedding there will undoubtedly come a time when your marriage will be tested. It’s on those days when you need to be 100% committed to your spouse. Leaving should never be an option.
Shared finances also come with the bonus of bringing you closer in your marriage. All major purchases and investments become joint decisions which require you to reach terms that are acceptable to both parties. This attitude of compromise will ripple into all other aspects of your marriage if practiced enough, thus strengthening the trust between you and your spouse. When everything goes into the same pot there’s no need to debate who makes more money and who should pay the bills. There’s no attitude of competition regarding who can bring home the most bacon. You’re in it together. Any income becomes ‘our’ income and any expense is shouldered by ‘us.’ In a world of fleeting success and fleeting romance it may seem daunting to join your finances to someone else, right down to your very last penny. However, if you are truly, sacramentally married to the person, there are few reasons not to. There is no limit to the trust between a man and woman united in holy matrimony.
“Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” – Mathew 19:14
Recently my husband and I had the pleasure of being joined at our first Friday latin mass by my parents, my sister and her family and of course our own baby girl. My focus at this mass was admittedly at an all time low as our daughter was nursing for the first half and later required a diaper change and much soothing. My one year old niece was also a little fussy, climbing over her parents in the pews and being a bit chatty. My sister and I stood together at the back of the church bouncing our babies as the host was consecrated. By the time we rejoined our husbands in the communion line the little girls had settled. My daughter slept in my arms as I knelt at the communion rail and the priest blessed her with the sign of the cross.
As I rocked our sleeping baby in the communion line I was struck by the perfection of yet another answered prayer even if it wasn’t one that I myself had ever put into words. “We were that family,” my mom gleefully declared later that evening. We were that big, traditional, Catholic family all participating in their Sunday best. My mom, my sister and I veiled that evening as we do at every mass. Our husbands ushered us forward to receive communion first and our babies played and slept in our arms. Before there were any little ones to speak of, these were always the families I longed to emulate at mass. I believe life is about the people in it. God and family are the most important things. They say fairy tale endings only happen in the movies but loving and nurturing such a devout Catholic family is my ultimate dream come true and there’s still so much life left! As perfect as it is, I don’t doubt that the best is still to come.
These words are so often the most difficult to say, yet always the most necessary. When approaching any cataclysmic shift in life; the birth of a child, marriage to your dearly beloved, the start of a new job, a move across the country to a new city, we have a vision for how we want these things to go. Obviously, we pray that they will proceed without complication and will lead us to further fulfillment of God’s plan for our lives. However, in all the commotion, when faith and trust in God are most critical, we are prone to forget both altogether. We content ourselves to power through by our own grit and determination, throwing ourselves into any labor that might bring about that shining vision we had when we started. There’s always one more thing on the to do list to occupy our time which seems far more pressing than falling on our knees before the blessed Sacrament. Carving out time for this is never a mistake and I suspect there are few people who would regret it. I was personally reminded of this during the days leading up to my daughter’s birth.
“Lord, give me strength. I trust you. Let your will be done.” These were the words playing on repeat in my mind prior to and during childbirth. I’d spent the previous nine months agonizing over potential complications and interventions, praying everyday for a safe, smooth and natural labor and delivery. However, when the time came, all that worry fell away. My baby girl did what all girls do. She took her sweet time getting ready. She took so long in fact that my labor ultimately had to be medically induced due to concerns regarding a skinny, single artery umbilical cord. This was not the totally natural, intervention free experience I had prayed for but even in this, God was present.
I don’t believe my scheduled induction was the refusal of a prayer but rather an answer to one. It required me to relinquish that glimmering vision of mine and instead place myself completely in His hands. Had things gone precisely according to my plan, I would not have been able to do this. After the better part of a year of fretting, I was blessed with the chance to simply let go and lean into His will and mercy. Once it at last became clear that I would almost certainly be induced all my fears evaporated. I had done everything I could do. Our daughter’s birth was now entirely in His hands. On the eve of my scheduled induction I told my husband that I didn’t know how to be nervous as I had no concept of exactly what it would feel like. The next morning I still couldn’t dredge up enough fear to be nervous; not during the drive to the hospital, not as I changed into the hospital gown, not even that afternoon when the midwife came in to break my water.
In that room as contractions mounted I could muster only one prayer for strength and that His will be done. I’m thrilled to say that He did indeed answer this prayer 100 times over. Although I was medically induced I was able to successfully deliver our baby girl without an epidural after a relatively brief labor, roughly nine hours in total. We’ve all heard stories of childbirth, the excruciating pain and gore of bringing a new life into the world. In many ways it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. However, at no point did it seem to me an impossible undertaking. I credit this entirely to His grace. Though it was a task that I alone could perform, I was never alone in the pain. God blessed me with a husband who was at my elbow the entire time ready to help in any way, even if it meant enduring a headlock from his laboring wife for three hours. God also blessed me with full confidence in the knowledge that He made me for just this purpose, to birth this beautiful little girl and raise her to know Him. He was there with me, assuring me all the while that this was exactly what I was meant to do.
This is not a parenting blog but in light of recent events I’m struggling to think of anything else. Of the many lessons I’ve learned over the last weeks as a first time parent chief among them is how to operate one handed. To many this may seem like a tremendous handicap, always having one hand occupied with the rocking and soothing of a delightful though frequently fussy newborn. However, I see it as a superpower.
It’s true that many things have temporarily gone by the wayside; things like cooking, cleaning and even blogging on the regular. My new superpower has granted me a hyper focus on my current number one job, caring for my baby. All else is a trivial second. Thankfully this single mindedness is made possible by a rockstar husband who has made it his mission to take care of everything else. All the while I have the supreme joy of staring into my daughter’s sweet little face at all hours of the day, no matter what that face is doing. Even when she cries I can’t help being overwhelmed with love for this little girl every time I look at her. I’ve also discovered just how much one can accomplish with one hand. Full disclosure, it’s not much but a little task here and there like emptying the dishwasher or flipping the laundry feels like a huge win. At the very least, it’s one less thing on the hubby’s docket.
I’m praying for the day when our daughter is big enough for her baby carrier, thus restoring mommy to two handed status. For now though, I’m savoring the blessings of only having one.
They say you should stay busy in your third trimester of pregnancy. Make plans, go out, take walks, tackle some gentle home improvement projects, anything to distract you from glancing at the calendar every five minutes in anticipation of your imminent labor and the birth of your baby. While this is all perfectly sound advice which I’ve worked to take to heart I can also attest to the fact that none of it actually works. Certainly a little continued hustle and bustle is the perfect way to keep you energized and your spirits up as you approach childbirth. However, if you’re anything like me, nothing on the planet will possibly be able to distract you from the tiny life beginning in your womb.
Due to a blessedly uncomplicated pregnancy and an engineering job I’ve maintained a full time, in person work schedule with occasional days worked from home to accommodate prenatal appointments. I’ve also continued to run a couple of church ministries at our local parish for the duration of this pregnancy. Our schedule has been every bit as crammed with activity as we could manage. At no point have I considered myself sufficiently distracted from daydreams of maternity leave when I will simply be home with our brand new baby girl.
I’ve been blessed with a happy, healthy and generally easy pregnancy but no amount of activity can take my mind off of everything that comes next. I’m overflowing with excitement for all the joys and woes that parenthood brings. I’ve even been known to partake in the occasional spontaneous happy dance while at work alone in my office with the door closed. Thankfully I believe these have largely gone unnoticed by my coworkers. There simply is no preoccupying the mommy brain during the third trimester.
During a fun bridal shower game a couple of years ago our friends and family were asked to write down some of their tips and tricks for a long and happy marriage. We enjoyed reading these and have taken the advice to heart. Here are some time tested methods for maintaining love, compassion and romance from the experts in my life.
Always stay best friends.
Take time for date night (at least monthly). No matter how busy life gets with work, kids, etc. always make time for the two of you.
Never go to sleep angry. Hugs and kisses and prayers at bedtime only.
Watch your wedding video often (or peruse the wedding photo album).
Hold hands when you walk.
Laugh together every day.
Sometimes there isn’t enough time for both of you in one day. Listen and support each other even if it means putting your own worries on hold.
Always go on adventures.
Always remember why you fell in love and always make positive comments to each other.
Happy spouse, happy house.
“It takes three to get married.” – Bishop Fulton Sheen. With God at the center and a little help from the Blessed Mother, you will be great.
Pray together and stay together.
Always be kind to each other.
Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Never assume anything. The one time you do will be the last.
Be best friends with Mary and St. Joseph.
Talk with each other. Tell one another you love each other.
I’ve mentioned this before but I believe that kindness to a spouse often goes undervalued in society today. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together or how well you might feel you know the person. Maintaining good manners and compassion for the people closest to you is a necessary endeavor in any relationship, especially between man and wife. Over the course of our two short years of marriage my husband and I have both made adjustments to how we communicate and are constantly working to maintain civil and compassionate communication with each other, even in those rare instances when we disagree.
However, even in our worst moments, I still am overwhelmed by this amazing gift of marriage that God has blessed me with. Not only am I married to a good man. I am sacramentally bonded to one I am deeply and totally in love with. In addition to trusting my husband completely, I also still regularly find myself a little weak at the knees when he walks in the door from work. My life has become infinitely better since he came into it.
In my opinion, one of the most common relationship mistakes being made today is the assumption that love, romance and marriage are an equal give and take. How neat and tidy and fair it is to assume that for every effort you make in your marriage there will be a perfectly equal reciprocation. Although I’m still quite new to married life, going on two years as man and wife, that simply hasn’t been my experience.
My husband and I are different people with varying schedules, moods and needs. Nevertheless, we don’t waste our days keeping score of who’s turn it is to be good to the other. If we did I would certainly come up short far more often. I’m so blessed to have married an incredibly kind, capable and self-sacrificing man who is constantly looking for ways to make my life more pleasant. Everything from planning a date night to replacing the toilet paper in the bathroom is fair game in his eyes. After a series of romantic disappointments and a couple of years living entirely on my own I was more than a little unaccustomed to these habits and have spent the first years of our marriage trying my best to imitate the wonderful man I married. I strive to never miss an opportunity to say “thank you” even when he does something as mundane as wash the dishes. Amid a far more taxing work schedule than mine, he’s still on the lookout for ways to be helpful when he comes home.
It’s so easy to get stuck in the pointless game of who’s got it worse when interacting with a spouse. The reality is that both parties should seek to give 110% always, even when that doesn’t amount to all that much. No matter what sort of day we’ve had, kindness toward a spouse is never a mistake. There may come days, months or even years when it feels like we’re pouring more of ourselves out than we get in return but that’s life. That’s marriage. Of course there will be battles and hard times for you and your spouse. You will both fall short time and again as we all do but no matter what happens, that person will be with you through it all.
Marriage is not about winning and losing. It’s not about repaying favors and debts. Marriage was designed by God as the most perfect and intimate connection between a man and a woman. We can simply look at our unique and complementary biology to prove this fact. We were literally made for each other and, as God intended it, marriage is about getting your spouse into heaven.
Blessed in the Midwest 