Sacrament

Seasons of Love

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Photo by Rainstorm Photo

Apologies for the lack of posts lately. This mommy’s usual blogging time was spent snuggling a sweet little girl with a case of the sniffles over the last couple of weeks. She was extra cuddly and not thrilled about long naps by herself in the crib for a while. As I write this, she is snoring happily in her room. Praise God!  

I recently had cause to consider the role of the Catholic faith in marriage. It’s easy to gush about the beauty and permanence of sacramental true love when everything is shiny and new. My husband and I are still living the fairytale. We have been married for nearly three years and have fallen even more in love with each other since we said I do. We have one perfect baby girl and, God willing, will be giving her some siblings in the near future. With the exception of a few difficult days I can honestly say that thus far marriage has been a delight. However, I was reminded of something the priest said during our Pre-Cana. The wedding is not the goal. It’s not the end. For most couples it’s not even happily ever after. Certainly happiness will be seeded throughout the life that you’ll build together but real marriage is not a fairytale. Rather the wedding is the beginning of the story. 

No matter who you are or how in love you may be, the honeymoon will come to a close eventually. The reality of the rest of your life with this same, flawed, broken person will set in. You may say and do things to each other that you regret. You may learn things about your spouse which very well may have been deal breakers if you’d known them before getting married. Someday you may even wonder if you would’ve been long separated if not for your mutual commitment to the Catholic faith. These thoughts of doubt do not make you a bad spouse but are merely manifestations of our fallen human nature. 

As with any vocation, marriage comes with seasons of joy and of hardship. You and your spouse are different people and will clash eventually. Of course kindness toward your spouse is never overrated. There is no single person on the planet more deserving of your forgiveness and grace than the one who has promised to put up with all of your nonsense for the rest of their life. Unfortunately, it’s also true that familiarity breeds contempt. There may come a day when compassion toward your spouse falls shy on your list of priorities.

It is in these seasons of darkness and distance in your marriage when a strong Catholic faith is absolutely critical. If it was easy everyone would do it. We Catholics are not called to do what’s easy. The cross of marriage can be the heaviest of all, particularly in those moments when it seems like your faith is the only thing you have left in common. That cross will grow and some days seem unbearable. We will fall under its weight like our Lord on the Way to Calvary and, like our Lord, we too must find the strength to pick it up daily and continue on in our marriage as a loving husband or wife. That one thin, crucifix-shaped tether between you and your spouse can and will hold you together and see you to better seasons if you let it. God can work miracles through anyone. Even if you have to wait for the bliss of salvation in Heaven, better days are coming. 

As I write this I know full well that our difficult seasons are still to come. These lessons don’t come from my own experience but from listening to the experiences of others. As God intended, marriage is the closest we can get to heaven on earth but in our fallen nature we often forget the bliss of this particular sacrament. Thus, it is always necessary to remind ourselves of the fairytale when our own stories first began by perusing the wedding album or making time for date night. As stated earlier, marriage is not a job or merely a relationship. It is a vocation calling us to give one hundred percent of ourselves even on those days when it seems that one hundred percent doesn’t amount to all that much. 

This Scratched Wedding Band

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Nearly three years ago when the hubby and I were shopping for our wedding rings I approached this task with a short list of criteria. I wanted a simple gold band free of adornment like the ones that live on my parents’ fingers. Unlike the engagement ring, there are no twinkling stones refracting the sunshine, just a latticework of fine scratches and dents across its once smooth surface.

This preference was partially a practical one. I’ve never been especially gentle on my hands. Anything from washing dishes to changing dirty diapers to gutting and skinning an elk is fair game in my book and I wanted a ring that I’d never have to take off. Even now, after just two years of marriage, it doesn’t shine quite like it did when it was new. It’s not pristine and perfect anymore but each defect tells a story of the beautiful, full life we’ve begun together. This scratched wedding band is my personal reminder of God’s goodness and all the tiny blessings He bestows on us every single day. 

The Godparents

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Photo by Pixabay

In light of the birth of our beautiful baby girl my husband and I were recently set to our very first task in her religious upbringing, selecting her godparents. Fortunately, every godfather need not be an infamous Italian mobster and godmothers may forgo the magic wand and fairy wings. As with many things today I think the purpose of godparents has gotten a bit lost in more secular traditions, even among devout Catholic circles. Choosing godparents is not at all akin to deciding on members of a wedding party. To be a godfather or godmother is not simply a sentimental honorific title, bestowed upon your closest friends or family. There is one question which must be considered when making this decision. In the unlikely event that you and your spouse are unable to raise your child, who can most be counted on to ensure your baby receives proper faith formation?

Although it certainly is an honor to be one’s godparent (I myself am a proud godmother of two), that is not the primary purpose of the position. Godparents should be chosen for the good of the child only. It is an immense responsibility and a job with defined qualifications. In order to raise a child in the faith one must be of the faith. Both godparents must be practicing Catholics in good standing with the Church. This means they must have received their sacraments of initiation, be regularly attending Sunday mass, and receive the Sacrament of reconciliation at least once a year. It’s only strictly necessary for one godparent to be assigned in order for a child to be baptized in the Catholic Church. In the event that a godmother and godfather can’t be found a member of another christian denomination may participate as a christian witness. However, again, this is for the good of the child and thus, a christian witness should only be considered after exhausting all other options and not as a means of honoring a non-Catholic friend or family member. Additionally, in acknowledgement of the complementary nature of men and women, a child may have only one godfather and one godmother. These will each fulfill a critical and unique role should you and your spouse be indisposed. 

However, godparents are not only called upon to act in the event of tragedy. There are countless little ways godparents can support a child in their faith after baptism. First and foremost, they can and should pray for their godchild. They can also call or send a gift every year on the anniversary of the baptism. In many ways, this day is far more significant than a birthday and ought to be celebrated as such. Children’s books telling the story of the nativity, a first bible or a first rosary are all excellent gift ideas for any occasion but especially on a child’s baptism day. 

Ultimately, a godparent should put forth some effort to be an active participant and role model in the lives of their godchildren. Love these little ones and pray for them as often as possible. How easy it is to slip into habits which turn us away from God in this secular society. As such, every child ought to be able to count on an army of prayer warriors to guide them. There is truly no limit to the power of prayer. 

A Lesson in Humility (Again)

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God is infinitely good. One of the many blessings He grants us is the opportunity to relearn all those little lessons we have a tendency to forget. He never stops loving us and gives us every chance to do better. This summer He gifted me such an opportunity. Some readers may remember my bad day many months ago in A Lesson in Humility. However, I was granted yet another vanity check recently regarding our daughter’s baptism. 

Last year my husband and I had the pleasure and honor of attending our niece’s baptism in Colorado as her godparents. It was a beautiful ceremony hosted at St. John Vianney Theological Seminary which I describe in detail in Baptized on Holy Ground. This was a full baptism mass which was celebrated by a priest who is a long time family friend and the man who ushered my sister and brother-in-law through RCIA. In short, it was an incredibly beautiful and reverent celebration of this brand new baby girl as she entered into a new life in Christ. Even then, before there were any children of our own to speak of, I knew that this was how I wanted to welcome them into the Church. 

One year later, this was the goal as we planned another baptism mass for our own daughter. However, due to a slight mixup, the presiding priest only had faculties to do the baptism and was unable to celebrate a full mass for the occasion. Upon learning this I was crushed. I couldn’t shake the feeling that this condensed ceremony would have the appearance of a drive-by baptism, as if we were just checking a box for our daughter. Receiving any sacrament should be a grand and joyous affair, especially the first, and arguably most significant one. 

My husband and my dad both reminded me it’s the sacrament that ultimately counts. The church, the guests, mass or no mass are all secondary details so long as the sacrament is valid. At the end of the day our baby would be baptized and that’s what matters. Of course, this is all true but did little to comfort me until I spoke with my mom who had originally been similarly disgruntled about the change of plans. “What a beautiful gift it is,” she said, to bring this little girl into the Church through a simple, humble ceremony. We get to remember Christ’s humble beginnings as we welcome this sweet baby. 

It wasn’t quite so grand as I had originally intended but it was no less joyous. Many of our friends and family joined us for the private baptism, including four priests. There was no shortage of love for this baby girl and the gift of baptism was no less profound. As is frequently the case, my mom was right. It was beautiful and this Catholic momma learned a little humility.

Marriage Etiquette: Money Talk

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Over the last year my husband and I have taken on the responsibility of our parish marriage prep program and have thus gotten into the habit of discussing some of the less glamorous aspects of sacramental true love. One of these which I think many couples tend to shy away from is the subject of money. As Catholics we understand that money does not buy happiness or salvation but personal finances are a topic that should be broached before going to the altar to say I do. Surprising your brand new spouse with your crushing student debt or an uncontrolled spending habit will not endear you to them. Total honesty is a virtue which ought to be embraced by both parties from the start of your courtship. My husband and I even went so far as to show each other our bank accounts a few months into our relationship. I had just bought a house, greatly depleting my savings. This wasn’t news I wanted to spring on him later. 

However, in addition to full honesty with your future spouse, I believe in many cases, a much more tangible level of sharing ought to be considered. Although I can name happily married couples in my life for whom separate bank accounts are appropriate, I don’t believe that these are the norm or should be. Unfortunately, many modern couples choose this approach. Separate finances in a marriage should be avoided for the same reason that the Church condemns contraceptives. You are telling your spouse that “you can have all of me… almost.” It’s a ‘mine’ rather than an ‘ours’ mentality which is all too prevalent in society. It maintains an avenue for dispute and impermanence in the marriage which is outright uncatholic. In a truly sacramental marriage there should be no thought for a contingency plan if the relationship goes south. Giving yourselves a financial out “just in case” comes with the built in temptation to take it. Though the romance may remain fresh and strong for years after the wedding there will undoubtedly come a time when your marriage will be tested. It’s on those days when you need to be 100% committed to your spouse. Leaving should never be an option. 

Shared finances also come with the bonus of bringing you closer in your marriage. All major purchases and investments become joint decisions which require you to reach terms that are acceptable to both parties. This attitude of compromise will ripple into all other aspects of your marriage if practiced enough, thus strengthening the trust between you and your spouse. When everything goes into the same pot there’s no need to debate who makes more money and who should pay the bills. There’s no attitude of competition regarding who can bring home the most bacon. You’re in it together. Any income becomes ‘our’ income and any expense is shouldered by ‘us.’ In a world of fleeting success and fleeting romance it may seem daunting to join your finances to someone else, right down to your very last penny. However, if you are truly, sacramentally married to the person, there are few reasons not to. There is no limit to the trust between a man and woman united in holy matrimony.

The Only One That Matters

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There is a popular belief today that more experience, even failed experience is better. People like to reference Thomas Edison’s discoveries with the lightbulb to prove this point. While taking failure in stride is a necessary practice in any career, I no longer believe the argument holds water when it comes to dating.

Taking a job for the experience will likely land you many more career prospects in the future. Taking a relationship for the experience is a cruel and manipulative exercise in futility which will not ultimately bring you any closer to finding your forever person. The only acceptable reason to enter into a relationship is because you genuinely believe that it may be your last relationship. Any other goal is a death sentence to the romance. You are dooming yourself and your partner to failure before you’ve even begun.

Some like to argue that this kind of casual companionship is acceptable so long as the goal is just to have fun and both parties agree to it. I disagree. Desensitizing yourself to failure in romance will only deaden your ability to recognize success when it does come. A lifetime of settling for mediocre, seasonal flings will never impart the skills necessary for attracting your future spouse. Learning how to manipulate a person’s feelings is in complete opposition to learning how to love them. If you really do want to find your future spouse you should be loving them as if you’ve already met them by maintaining a virtuous, properly ordered lifestyle. That person is out there in the world somewhere right now, making mistakes of their own and in need of your prayers.

Finding the love of your life is far more difficult than the movies make it out to be. It will likely be one of the greatest tests of your patience. You may have to go on a lot of first dates in order to find your one and only but you never will if you settle into a habit of companionship with the wrong people. It doesn’t matter how pleasant or convenient that companionship may be. If you can’t see yourself marrying that person someday you shouldn’t agree to a second date. 

People like to boast about the quality or quantity of the frogs they’ve kissed as if these make them an expert dater but the only love experts I care about aren’t dating anymore. In the end it doesn’t matter how many almosts, puppy loves or catastrophic mistakes you’ve had. The only one that matters is the one that wasn’t a frog at all. When it comes to romance, getting it wrong is easy. Getting it right is something you’ll only ever do once.

A State of Grace

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Photo by Photo by Arina Krasnikova

Our family is currently celebrating the arrival of a new member. We welcomed a new niece into the world recently and are over the moon to soon meet this beautiful baby girl. In the days leading up to her birth my sister was on a mission, hunting for parishes all over town in search of priests available to administer confession. She was determined to be in a state of grace when bringing her daughter into the world.

What a beautiful gift to their family to know that this new momma was in friendship with God when she gave our parents their first grandchild! On one hand, being recently confessed was a safeguard for my sister, should anything go wrong during the birth. Thankfully, it didn’t and both mother and baby girl are healthy and happy. By ensuring she was in communion with God as much as possible my sister also enabled her daughter to be born surrounded by grace and love. What better way to begin a holy and blessed life? It was the very best running start my sister could give. 

This got me thinking about how often we all run to confession when embarking on a journey or undergoing an important medical procedure. Life is full of risks and of course it’s not feasible to receive absolution from a priest every time we cross the street but it’s certainly something that should always be forefront in our minds as we proceed through life. The Catholic Church requires that its members receive the sacrament of Reconciliation at least once a year but how often on any given day do we turn away from God, even in small, seemingly mundane ways. We need sincere and regular Reconciliation to maintain a state of grace to receive Holy Communion and to be in friendship with Christ. 

My husband and I generally try to make it to confession every couple of weeks and emergency, short notice Reconciliation is rare for us at this point but as Catholics we all ought to leap at the opportunity to renew our relationship with the Lord. We should all run to confession as often as possible even if it means hunting all over town for available priests.

This is Amazing!

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Walking with Jesus in Glenwood Springs

The Holy Spirit is at work in the world, in my childhood home no less! It’s such a blessing to encounter stories like this, especially ones involving the vibrant, gorgeous Colorado town where I grew up. This was a welcome read and I’m sending prayers to the community of St. Stephen Catholic Church that they can continue to walk with Jesus in all things.

I Need My Man

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In a world full of girl bosses intent on shattering that (imagined) glass ceiling the “I don’t need no man” attitude is nearly inescapable. It’s everywhere and often accompanied by some amount of condescending head bobbing and finger snapping. I’ve certainly fallen prey to it in the past. It’s so pervasive in society that it’s even seeped into the hearts of practicing Catholics.

We heard it in our very own Catholic marriage prep while in discussion with current married couples. One woman boasted this logic even as her husband sat beside her. How can you imply that you don’t need a man when the man you vowed to give your life to sits quietly by? What can possibly be his purpose in this arrangement if you’re so perfectly invincible on your own? If this is true, why on earth did you get married in the first place?

Ignoring the implied and overt rudeness which comes with this statement, it’s not a sentiment I share. Of course everyone, regardless of gender, is capable of great worldly success by their own merit. You can do anything you set your mind to if properly driven. As Fr. Mike Schmitz highlighted in his Catechism in a Year series, no human on Earth is half-made. God created us to be complete beings in His image, each a union of the body and soul. But without each other, we are unable to carry out God’s ultimate will for us to “be fruitful and multiply.” Men and women are complements to each other, both equally necessary to share in God’s work of creation.  

Can you honestly say that there is any undertaking in life that would not be improved and made easier by the assistance of a supportive and loving spouse? Are you really so flawlessly competent that you’re better equipped to take on the world on your own than beside a man who has promised to cherish and protect you? We are a society so utterly incapable of admitting our own deficiencies that we would rather spend our lives alone and hurt our loved ones in the process than confess the reality that we might actually need them, that we are in fact better together. 

Yes, I need my man. I’m human, fallen and in need of God’s saving grace. I’m error prone and could have easily been distracted on many occasions from the path to holiness if not for the man walking beside me, and we’ve barely been married a year. I was successful, independent and financially stable before I ever met my husband and my life has become infinitely better since then. It brings me unending relief and joy to follow him as we both journey toward the Kingdom of Heaven.

Broken Strings

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Photo by Steve Johnson

“God loves us in our brokenness.”

This was a sentence spoken in a homily on one Divine Mercy Sunday which reduced me to tears. It was perfectly timed, coming immediately after a confession in which I divulged my deepest regret. I had just confessed to being broken. I don’t mean to say that I was a victim of circumstance or abuse or even that my heart had been mangled beyond repair. My brokenness was not that of a discarded toy. More like an out of tune piano with a few broken strings. A practiced pianist could still bring forth countless sweet melodies but until its final tune up (purification of purgatory) there are some keys that won’t play.

By consequence of my own bad decisions, I was, I am and I will always be at least somewhat defective as a follower of Christ in this earthly life. No one can rewrite the past, no matter how much we might wish to at times. Of course, I understand that past mistakes don’t necessarily make me a worthless human being but there was one in particular that still haunted me as I approached my sacraments. In my newly found faith I knew that God deserved better. Thankfully, He did not abandon me to my regret.

In that confessional and throughout that homily as the priest’s eyes found mine, I believe I met Christ. I had previously accepted and practiced His teachings but on this Divine Mercy Sunday we came face to face. My deepest shame was met with an overwhelming, seamless, outpouring of kindness, compassion, love and forgiveness which struck me to my core. I can still see the young priest’s face, glowing warmly from sunlight through a nearby window, his eyes smiling paternally as he said these words to the assembly while looking directly at me. Another piece of the wondrous puzzle which is our faith finally fell into place. God’s forgiveness is so much bigger than me and my sins. I can still recall the flood of relief from this realization every time I think back to that day. 

We are all broken. In some way we all have a few busted strings and are defective in our pursuit of Heaven but, mercifully, God loves us anyway; perfectly, completely and without condition.