I don’t believe it’s ever appropriate to bad mouth your spouse whether they’re present or not. I think it’s behavior which reflects more poorly on you than on the husband or wife that you’re complaining about. Why did you subject yourself to lifelong commitment to that person if you find them so tiresome? On your list of priorities, their dignity and well being should certainly come before your own comeuppance for a minor, petty grievance, especially in the case of someone you’ve vowed to love and cherish all the days of your lives.
I’ve heard a number of friends and coworkers verbally degrade their partners on several occasions, all under the guise of good natured ribbing and fun. It’s often even more unsettling to meet the aforementioned partner only to discover that they have nothing but praise for their ill-mannered significant other. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or do. As a couple you should be able to have productive, civil, even compassionate disagreements. I’m not advocating total, stiff formality with your spouse. You need to be able to have fun together and must therefore be equipped with enough humility to laugh at yourselves. That just doesn’t include laughing at each other.
Catholic mothers are often said to have the biggest hearts and are known for the seemingly endless hospitality and love which pours forth from them. My mom is no exception although her love isn’t contained in just one but is spread throughout dozens of hearts. She’s never been the type to wear them on her sleeve but instead places each one with care in her Colorado home, bright little reminders of her love hiding in plain sight. I tried to number them once but lost count and more have appeared since then.
Some of her hearts are made of stone, plucked from a mountain top or lakeside during a family adventure. These now litter her bookshelves, all at home amid epic tales of Middle Earth and magic wands. Some of her hearts are made of colored glass and wire. She hangs these in her windows to catch the morning sun. Her walls are ornamented with hand carved wooden depictions of The Sacred Heart, flaming and wreathed in thorns, or else crowned and fluttering tiny angel wings. Still more of her hearts are scattered over dark wood tables, under coffee mugs or woven into the seasonal cushions which she uses to decorate her sofa and favorite armchair.
When visiting her house one is quite literally surrounded by her love and many people have been on the receiving end of it. Everywhere you look, her love smiles at you from every corner. But of course it doesn’t evaporate when one leaves her house. That’s just where she stores most of her hearts for safe keeping but she sends her love into the world with every visitor who comes and goes, generally after a delicious meal and a nightcap. When I moved away to Indiana she gave me a couple of her hearts for my bookshelf, starter hearts for my own collection. I’ve come to realize one can never have too many. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Thanks for all the hearts.
“Are you nervous?” That seemed to be the question on many minds as we approached our wedding day. I heard it even as I waited hidden in the church for my walk down the aisle in our wedding mass (we chose not to do a first look and save the big reveal for the ceremony). My answer was always an enthusiastic and resounding “no.” I’ve always believed that I was made to be a wife and mother, even before I was Catholic. How could I be nervous about taking one step closer to the fulfillment of God’s plan for my life especially when His handwriting covered every page of our love story?
I’ve often told my husband that I couldn’t have dreamed him up. I wasn’t creative enough in my most unhindered fantasies to imagine a more perfect match than the one I found in him. I consider our meeting nothing short of a miracle and many of our big moments since then have occurred on days of special liturgical significance. It’s no coincidence that he chose to attend his parents’ church for the very same Easter Vigil mass where I was to be baptized, confirmed and receive first Eucharist. My husband saw me for the first time in the same hour that I became Catholic.
It took a few weeks for him to hunt me down and, after another few weeks and many phone calls, we met in person for the first time and our first date to Pentecost mass. Almost exactly one liturgical year later we met again at church to exchange vows in a wedding mass which was concelebrated by no less than three priests. There isn’t a shred of doubt in my mind that this is precisely what God intended. There was no reason for me to be nervous.
Many modern couples would certainly balk at a courtship of only six months followed by an equally short engagement. However, marrying the love of my life is the most spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally sound decision I have ever made. Truth be told, that six month engagement felt considerably longer as we both eagerly anticipated our wedding vows. It was a leap of faith we couldn’t wait to take.
My mom turned me onto veiling shortly after my baptism. It is a very traditional catholic practice for women to cover their heads at mass although it was somewhat abandoned after Vatican II. It is now much less common in the United States than in many European nations but veils can still occasionally be found in our own churches.
Because it is such a rare practice at my home parish I worried that I might unintentionally be making a spectacle of myself by adopting this particular habit. However, if approached through the proper frame of mind, there is nothing scandalous about veiling just as there is nothing wrong with attending latin mass. I quickly grew accustomed to veiling in front of the blessed sacrament and now I never go to church without my veil.
There are many reasons to veil but chief among them is to show reverence to Christ. It is an outward, visible sign of a woman’s faith similarly to how men remove their hats when they enter the sanctuary. It is a sign of respect and always helps me focus on the sacrifice of the mass. My veil is not like other garments, worn for its comfort or aesthetic appeal. It is reserved only for prayer and worship before the blessed sacrament and serves as a reminder to me of what is truly sacred.
I’ve also heard a few fellow millennial women occasionally bemoan the idea that women should be made to cover up while men are under no such obligation. To these women, my mom also had an answer. She once aptly observed that “you veil what is sacred.” In the Catholic faith we regard Mary, the mother of Christ, in the highest honor. She was free from original sin and unfailing in her trust and faith in God. She was assumed into Heaven and is Queen of the Universe. Veiling is a beautiful tradition in which we can imitate the most holy mother of God and acknowledge our catholic reverence for Mary and for motherhood and women in general. This is not an oppressive practice meant to hide women against their will. In fact, it does the opposite. It highlights the Mary-like grace, beauty and dignity of all women and is a freely embraced tradition of the faith.
Veiling is certainly not a requirement but I’m always struck by the reverent beauty whenever we attend a latin mass and see the church filled with veiling women and men in suits. It may take some getting used to but I highly recommend it for any women looking for ways to grow closer to God.
There are a multitude of places to purchase chapel veils at a wide range of prices. My personal favorites are EvintageVeils and Veil by Tradition.
This is the question facing modern women. I know many people on both sides who say it’s hardly a question at all and that the answer is obvious. I know how I’d answer it. Our society likes to tell women that their greatest worth will come from high powered careers, that they can have families if they want to but that they should have careers. Frankly, I have to agree with Jordan Peterson’s perspective on this one. Only a very select few ever actually achieve careers. The rest of us go to jobs everyday. Some jobs are undoubtedly more enjoyable than others but they’re all generally performed for the same purpose of paying the bills and not work that someone would do for free.
There are the dreamers of the world, those high flying individuals who become masters and leaders in their fields and of course there are women among them. However, to treat those women as the rule rather than the exception is to dismiss the ultimate feminine superpower, the ability to give birth. We alone have the capacity and natural inclination for motherhood. Some people say that a woman’s worth should be measured by more than her ability to push out babies and they’re absolutely right. Being an effective mother is about raising those babies to be good, virtuous people.
Success and ambition are incredibly enticing. I myself can attest to that. It feels good to be financially independent, to stand on your own two feet, to not worry about how to pay your bills and to be able to afford the things you enjoy. The deal is only sweetened as a career trajectory does begin to take shape. A technical degree in a STEM field paired with a job in a fairly stable industry that’s currently hemorrhaging retirees has upward mobility written all over it. It’s not difficult to imagine a future.
But all the money and success in the world doesn’t hold a torch to how badly I want to be a good wife and mother. There are certainly women out there who learn to split the difference and excel in motherhood and their careers but even in this there are sacrifices. Even the most well organized and motivated people have their limits. There’s only so much of you to go around. Choosing how to spend it is a necessary evil of our empowered and fast-paced world.
Financial independence can be a huge step toward maturity and adulthood as it was for me. It was a key motivator but it was never the goal, nor do I think it should be. I don’t think anyone should ever become so proud of their workplace accomplishments that they forget who and what they’re working for. There’s nothing wrong with being an empowered lady boss. Whatever you do should be done with excellence but people are often quick to forget that concept extends to the home as well.
Today I find myself recalling a homily from one of our priest friends on Ash Wednesday. He touched on the three main tenets of Lent; prayer, fasting and almsgiving but he went further to instruct on how these should orient our lives beyond Lent. After all, God created us for labor, love and leisure. I think that first one gets forgotten sometimes or at least pushed a little lower on the priority list. God clearly does not want us to neglect ourselves but love and leisure are often byproducts of labor.
This was the point that our friend was making when he spoke to the assembly. We are happiest and most fulfilled when we are working for the service of others. Money and success can better enable us to help our neighbors but they themselves cannot be the goal. It’s easy to fall into the habit of defining new challenges in life by what we can get out of them. I’m certainly guilty of this. But this thinking is precisely backwards.
We should not be the center of our own lives. The Sun around which our worlds must revolve is the Son of God. We can only ensure this proper orientation toward Christ through genuine service. Only when we give ourselves to other people can we experience the bliss of doing God’s work.
I came home grumpy the other day and despite knowing that most of my frustration was largely out of my control, I immediately began complaining to my husband when I walked in the door. It had been a less than stellar day in the office. The friends and family that I’d tried calling on the drive home had all been busy and although I had no major update to give them, I missed them very much. I’ve also been consumed lately with thoughts of the future and trying to figure out how my husband and I might go about starting a family amid two full time careers.
I know that God will provide for us so long as we continue to turn to Him in our struggles. I’m also well aware that these are small change compared to the trials of others. I understand that prayer is often the best medicine and we need only bear our crosses and give them up to God. However, as I sat next to my husband while we prayed our daily rosary I was struck by how un-catholic my behavior had been that day. I had not done any of the prayerful things I just mentioned. This was also in dramatic contrast with my husband’s actions as he spent the entire evening going out of his way to cheer me up.
Being catholic is not always easy. It’s far easier to whine and gripe about every little thing that’s going wrong. In the moment, God can slip our minds entirely as was my case. It didn’t even occur to me that day to relinquish my frustrations to Him. But while we keep faith in God, we are never alone and it’s times like these that I feel unbelievably blessed that He sent my husband to me to be an example and a friend on the bad days. As members of God’s universal church we have the privilege of seeing Christ everyday if we keep our eyes open, whether it be in the kindness of a random stranger on the street, in the devout worship of our fellow parishioners during Sunday mass, or in the love and care we receive from spouses, family and friends.
Everyone wants to know what you’re giving up for Lent but no one ever asks what you’re giving back for Lent. It’s not just a self-improvement kick to get a few of your preferred vices in check. What are you doing with all that extra time that you’re not wasting scrolling through social media? How are you leading your family to new healthy habits now that sweets are off the menu? Most importantly, how do your Lenten sacrifices give glory to God?
Lent is a penitential preparation for Easter and the resurrection of Christ. The forty days leading up to this christian holiday are intended to be a time of sacrifice in which we imitate the forty days of Christ’s fasting in the wilderness before he began his public ministry. As Catholics we do not fast when the bridegroom, Christ, is present in the church. This occurs in the holy Eucharist during Sunday mass and thus Sundays during Lent are a time of relaxed fasting although they should not be treated as cheat days or an excuse to over indulge. This would encourage us to look forward to Sunday for the wrong reasons. Fasting between meals can be suspended on these days but other Lent offerings should continue through the duration of the entire forty day season.
Here are a few tips for diving into your Lenten resolutions this year.
Be intentional – Don’t wait until the last minute to set your Lenten goals. It’s even harder to keep yourself honest when you decide on your Lenten sacrifices after the fact.
Replace old habits with new ones – Don’t be content to simply remove bad habits from your schedule. You still need to find something else to fill those holes in your life so find prayerful and charitable activities that you can do instead. Find ways to center this forty day fast around Christ.
Be specific – The wishy washy goals are always the hardest to achieve. Choose specific activities, foods or experiences that you will avoid this season and exchange them with equally specific habits that bring you closer to God.
Live Liturgically – In conjunction with other Lenten sacrifices we are called to abstain from meat on Fridays. This practice can also be continued beyond Lent as a weekly reminder of Christ’s sacrifice for us although it is no longer an official teaching of the Catholic Church.
Write it down – If there’s no record of it, who’s to say that was actually your Lenten sacrifice in the first place? This will help you stay true to yourself and to God.
Share the burden – Tell someone, a spouse, a parent, a friend, what your intentions are this Lent season and ask them to help you stick to those offerings. You don’t have to do it alone.
Don’t budge – It’s not supposed to be easy. Every time you have a craving for your favorite indulgences is a reminder to stop and think about why you’ve made this sacrifice in the first place. It’s an opportunity to reflect on God’s sacrifice for us. When this happens don’t be afraid to send up a quick Hail Mary or Our Father asking for intercessions to help you stay true to your Lenten fast this season.
We all go through slumps in life whether it be due to relationship difficulties, workplace frustration, or simply the occasional day-to-day monotony which can creep into our activities if we’re not careful. Everyone has a cross to bear in this life but in turning to God during our times of woe, our suffering is not in vain.
Just as God used the suffering of His only son on the cross to forgive our sins, He uses our own personal sufferings on Earth for good. It’s easy to look at our lives and bemoan all the things that aren’t going our way. I know I struggle to see the silver lining sometimes. I’m a verbal thinker and rarely hesitate to vent my frustrations to my husband or my mom as a means of processing it all. This can be a helpful practice but there is a fine line between venting and whining.
As Catholics we are called to trust in God in all things even when we struggle to see a good outcome. Sometimes the very best thing we can do is offer all of our discomforts and frustrations to God. We are not all made for great glory or fame despite the fact that, on some level, I think most people daydream about changing the world. But what could be more glorious than being a good spouse, parent, friend, employee? What could be grander than doing your very best in the life that God gave you, bearing your lumps without complaint?
This is not a lesson that’s easy for me to embrace. As stated earlier, I’m quick to vent (complain) about my lumps. I was raised to be very solution oriented and upon encountering situations that I find distasteful, I’m equally as quick to start dreaming up ways to change my life in order to avoid similar future situations. This kind of thinking isn’t necessarily wrong but sometimes the true test of character is not to search for the nearest exit when discovering a problem.
Of course God wants us to be happy, successful and fulfilled in life. This is evidenced through the individual talents which he blesses us with. We are each called to give glory to God in our own ways and through our own gifts. But even in this there are trials and obstacles to overcome. Imagine all the good we might see in the world if we all offered it up to God a little more.
I recently heard a news story that struck a nerve with me. It was a recount of a young woman who had been hospitalized for frightening symptoms including an extended blinding migraine which was the result of a blood clot in her brain caused by her use of hormonal birth control. Although such symptoms are certainly not guaranteed and many women use birth control without a visit to the emergency room, its physical and moral dangers are hardly ever communicated to women who are simply trying to be smart and responsible.
Before my conversion to the Catholic faith I was among these women. We grow up in a society which tells women that an accidental baby will be the end of their careers, their ambition and their lives and that the surest safeguard is a magical pill which will suppress their bodies’ natural inclination for reproduction. Even women who have no intention of engaging in sexual activity are encouraged to be on birth control just in case and also to regulate menstrual pains and cycles.
To the many women who preach the menstrual regulation logic, it is a cheap and ridiculous cop-out. You are not exempt from the moral perils of birth control simply because you haven’t found someone you’re willing to sleep with yet. If you really want to regulate your cycle try keeping healthy habits. Stick to consistent sleep and exercise schedules and adhere to a healthy diet. In all likelihood, your cycle will eventually regulate itself. As for the horrific menstrual cramps that some women are plagued with, there are many far less cumbersome and damaging pain relieving options.
However, the only alternative to birth control that we hear of is total abstinence which is only briefly, and somewhat sarcastically, encouraged in our high school health classes and often only spoken of as a means to avoid becoming pregnant. Our entire society tells us that the smart, responsible thing to do is to go on hormonal birth control and we’re led to believe that it’s generally harmless.
In addition to the potentially life threatening dangers of birth control, there’s also a moral question to be asked. What does it do to your soul? Many Catholics are quick to respond that it closes a person off to the possibility of life which is a deliberate turning away from God and is therefore sinful. It’s true. By engaging in practices which deprive you of God’s gifts and blessings purely for your own pleasure you practice saying no to God himself. People today act as if sex is good for only one thing which is personal pleasure when in fact, the purpose of sex is to have children. You simply cannot approach it casually with this understanding in mind. God gave us free will but that does not free us from our holy and moral obligations. We don’t get to do whatever we want whenever we want with whoever we want without reaping the consequences.
I think it is a terrible disservice we do to women to make them feel that their lives will be over if they have a baby, whether or not they’re mentally prepared for one. We see movies and read books about women who had to drop out of college and work three frustrating, mediocre jobs to care and provide for their surprise newborn. Very rarely do we see happy, married, stable, successful mothers portrayed with the same enthusiasm. This is where I feel unbelievably blessed to have been raised by such a lady.
Although I am not yet a mother, I grew up with two wonderful, loving parents who encouraged me in all my endeavors while touting the joys and virtues of family. Never once in my entire life have I detected a shred of bitterness or regret from my mom about her decision to leave a promising and lucrative career in order to raise my sister and I. To this day she maintains that having kids was one of the best things to ever happen to her. That’s not to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows. My dad dedicated himself to providing for us which sometimes meant long hours at the office and occasionally we all had to tighten our belts a little with economic downturns. Our lives weren’t always perfect or easy but we loved each other and weathered our lumps together.
It’s true that some women are less suited to motherhood, more fulfilled by other worthy pursuits, but so often we are led by society to make the grievous assumption that these women are the rule rather than the exception. High powered careers are not everything they’re cracked up to be and marriage and children are not the all consuming indentured servitude that we see in the movies. As my sister, a medical student and aspiring doctor once said, what could possibly be more worthwhile than raising good people?
I know that many of these views are not widely shared or expressed and they may seem pious or harsh to some. I may not change anyone’s mind but I wish that someone had said all this to me when I was a freshman in college. I wish I’d been given cause to hesitate when visiting my campus health center to acquire my prescription for the pill.
Blessed in the Midwest 